Today....

is the first day that I figure things out for myself.



(Being a grown up sucks)

A Purge for sure

On a world-wide scale of terrible things that could have happen to me in the last week, i.e.: Flash Flood, FGM, starvation, the lost of a family member to HIV/AIDS, homelessness, my U-Haul tipping over, the death of a child, etc, my problems are not considered to be that bad. This point of view, however, does not stop the fact that I went through a lot of crap.
It just happens to be on the lower level of crap that the entire world goes through everyday.

Day 1: (starting Wednesday)

A puppy died thirteen hours after it entered my care, it was a sad death and I'm pretty sure I cried my eyes out.  Did I mention that I only had 1 hour of sleep that night? This aspect of the ordeal made work very difficult to bare and I was described as "one of the walking dead" by a co-worker the next day.

Day 2: (starting Thursday) 


My place has fleas, I like to think that it was unrelated to the puppy seeing how its been hot, humid and a perfect breeding ground for fleas. My roommate is greatly allergic to  these fleas and develops huge pustules at their flea bites. Her mother blames me and is starting to talk shit, its getting unbearable and I might have to ban her from my apartment.

I also got into a fight with a very good friend of mine. I said some hurtful things to that friend, in order to let off some steam due to sleeplessness. I also misunderstood text messages during a text fight, which I hate doing. I told that friend that I could no longer be a friend to that person, for one reason or another. That ended the friendship, hopefully temporary. It's something I'm praying for.

Day 3: (starting Sunday) 


My tooth fractured, a tooth that became brittle from a root canal I had 12 years ago. It is now falling apart.

Like I said, my life is not shitty on the scheme of the world BUT it still spews stress.

Bah Hum Bug.

poker face

the negative side of not making new friends:

not doing anything
not talking about my day
without human contact


the positive side of not making new friends:

not doing anything
not talking about my day
without human contact


win-win, for sure!

america and guns

As I am watching the season finale of Grey's Anatomy, a terrible thought crossed my mind. In America, the land of freedom and opportunities, a person who is not a cop (american or not) can go to work one day and be shot by a crazed gunman.

Sure, it happens in a lot of other countries, however, this is the place where it happens the most.


It's a pretty scary thought. 

a wish

i have a wish for my mom 
that is impossible. 
i have a wish for my mom 
that will take her own motivation to grant. 
i have a wish for my mom
for her wake up one morning
and not suffer from a disease. 
i have a wish for my mom
that she will find happiness in my brother and i 
by watching us grow into respectable adults. 
i have a wish for my mom
that she will see the world outside of chips, cards, dealers
comps, bright lights, expensive buffets, & 
the lost and gain of money. 
i have a wish for my mom 
that she'll be the selfless person,
those that love her know she can be. 
i have a wish for my mom. 

Graduation: Not so Glamorous

      It has been four days since I have graduated from college and I can not help but wonder where, in life, am I actually going. I mean, what am I going to do? They need to create a new word to describe the amount of "freaked" out and other emotions that I feel after accomplishing such a goal. Ideally, I would have chosen an undergrad degree that would have been lucrative that lead to a great job directly after graduation. The job prospect would have been made stronger from volunteering and internships I would have done in order to give my resume an exciting read. But I did not. (Actually, I did but I changed my major. I wonder how I should even feel about that.)
Anyways......
       I am scared, alone and confused. I feel as if I need to start everything over, just find a way to wipe the educational slate. Then again, I still wouldn't change what I learned in college, I like the view that I have about the world because it makes me feel less like a sheep and more like a border collie trying to herd the sheep. :-) This sense of clarity and social righteousness, however, does not pay the bills. Okay, it does but not enough to live in a better neighborhood AND pay off the student loan debt.

So I am going to choose between teaching, nursing and ultrasound technology OR maybe all three, in order to  do well for the world AND pay the bills.
Who knows, I am still young.

from wikipedia: A list of Human experiments conducted by the US

Look at the list that I copy and pasted from Wikipedia's human experiment page. 

Gory right? 

Now, pay attention to the amount of minority groups or those on the outside of society used in these experiments: ie. none white, rich, socially acceptable persons. 

Yeah, nice to know who was sacrificed to saved the elite. 

Pathogens, disease, and biological warfare agents

In the 1880s, in Hawaii, a California physician working at a hospital for lepers injected twelve young girls under the age of 12 with syphilis.^[1]

In 1895, the New York pediatrician Henry Heiman intentionally infected two mentally retarded boys—one 4-year-old and one 16-year old—with gonorrhea as part of a medical experiment.^[1][2]

In 1900, U.S Army doctors in the Philippines infected five prisoners with bubonic plague, induced beriberi in 29 prisoners; four of the test subjects died as a result.^[3][4]

In 1906, professor Richard Strong of Harvard University intentionally infected Filipino prisoners with cholera, killing 13 of them.^[5][6]

In 1908, three Philadelphia researchers infected dozens of children with tuberculin at the St. Vincent's House orphanage in Philadelphia, causing permanent blindness in some of the children, and painful lesions and inflammation of the eyes in many of the other children. In the study, they referred to the children as "material used".^[7]

In 1909, F. C. Knowles released a study describing how he had deliberately infected two children in an orphanage with Molluscum contagiosum after an outbreak in the orphanage, in order to study the disease.^[1]

In 1911, Dr. Hideyo Noguchi of the Rockefeller Institute for Medical Research injected 146 hospital patients (some of whom were children) with syphilis. He was later sued by the parents of some of the child subjects, who allegedly contracted syphilis as a result of his experiments.^[8]

A subject of the Tuskegee syphilis experiment has his blood drawn, circa 1953

The Tuskegee syphilis experiment^[9] was a clinical study conducted between 1932 and 1972 in Tuskegee, Alabama, by the U.S. Public Health Service. In the experiment, 400 impoverished black males who had syphilis, were offered "treatment" by the researchers, who told the test subjects that they were treating them for the disease, but in reality did nothing—even though they possessed penicillin, which was known to cure the deadly disease at the time—so that they could observe the effects of syphilis on the human body. By the end of the study in 1972, only 74 of the test subjects were alive. Twenty-eight of the original 399 men had died of syphilis, 100 were dead of related complications, 40 of their wives had been infected, and 19 of their children were born with congenital syphilis. The study was not shut down until 1972, when its existence was leaked to the press, forcing the researchers to stop in the face of public outcry.^[10]

In 1941, at the University of Michigan, doctors Francis and Salk and other researchers deliberately infected patients at several Michigan mental institutions with the influenza virus by spraying the virus into their nasal passages.^[11]

In 1941 Dr. William C. Black inoculated a twelve month old baby with herpes.^[12]

The Stateville Penitentiary Malaria Study was a controlled study of the effects of malaria on the prisoners of Stateville Penitentiary near Joliet, Illinois beginning in the 1940s. The study was conducted by the Department of Medicine at the University of Chicago in conjunction with the United States Army and the State Department. At the Nuremberg trials, Nazi doctors cited the malaria experiments as part of their defense.^[3] The study continued at Stateville Penitentiary for 29 years.

From 1944 to 1946, Dr. Alf Alving, a professor at the University of Chicago Medical School, purposely infected psychiatric patients at the Illinois State Hospital with malaria, so that he could test experimental malaria treatments on them.^[13]

In 1950 the US Navy used airplanes to spray large quantities of the bacteria serratia marcescens over the city of San Francisco, California, which caused numerous citizens to contract pneumonia-like illnesses, and killed at least one person.^[3][14][15]

Also in 1950, Dr. Joseph Stokes of the University of Pennsylvania deliberately infected 200 female prisoners with viral hepatitis.^[16]

From the 1950s to 1972, mentally disabled children at the Willowbrook School in New York were intentionally infected with viral hepatitis, in research whose purpose was to help discover a vaccine. The test subjects were forced to participate in the experiments as a condition for admission to the institution.^[17]

In 1952, Sloan-Kettering Institute researcher Chester M. Southam injected live cancer cells into prisoners at the Ohio State Prison. Half of the prisoners in this NIH-sponsored study were black.^[4] Also at Sloan-Kettering, 300 healthy women were injected with live cancer cells, without telling the patients they were doing so. The doctors claimed that they knew at the time that it might cause cancer.^[18]

In 1955, the CIA conducted a biological warfare experiment where they released whooping cough virus from boats outside of Tampa Bay, Florida, causing a whooping cough epidemic in the city, and killing at least 12 people.^[19][20][21]

In 1956 and 1957, several U.S. Army biological warfare experiments were conducted on the cities of Savannah, Georgia and Avon Park, Florida. In the experiments, Army bio-warfare researchers released millions of mosquitoes on the two towns, in order to see if the insects would spread yellow fever and dengue fever. Hundreds of residents contracted a wide array of illnesses, including fevers, respiratory problems, stillbirths, encephalitis, and typhoid. Army researchers pretended to be public health workers, so that they could photograph and perform medical tests on the victims. Several people died as a result of the experiments.^[3]

In 1962, twenty-two elderly patients at the Jewish Chronic Disease Hospital in Brooklyn, New York were injected with live cancer cells, by Chester M. Southam, who in 1952 had done the same to prisoners at the Ohio State Prison, in order to "discover the secret of how healthy bodies fight the invasion of malignant cells". The administration of the hospital attempted to cover the study up, but the New York State medical licensing board ultimately placed Southam on probation for one year. Two years later, the American Cancer Society elected him as their Vice President.^[4][22]

From 1963 to 1966, Saul Krugman of New York University promised the parents of mentally disabled children that their children would be enrolled into the Willowbrook State School in Staten Island, New York, in exchange for signing a consent form for procedures that he claimed were "vaccinations." In reality, the procedures involved deliberately infecting children with viral hepatitis by feeding them an extract made from the feces of patients infected with the disease.^[23]

In 1966, the U.S. Army released bacillus globigii into the tunnels of the New York subway system as part of a field study called A Study of the Vulnerability of Subway Passengers in New York City to Covert Attack with Biological Agents.^[3][19] The Chicago subway system was also subject to a similar experiment by the Army.^[19]

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