that's what HE said

Dear Life,

He said that if I ever got a tattoo he would never speak to me again.

Well, he stopped speaking to me anyway.

So I went ahead and got the fucking tattoo.

Getting the tattoo hurt a lot less.

:-)

Signed,
Me

Today is week 2

Like I was telling my former roommate last night, I haven't felt as though I was on this roller coaster of emotion since I was going through puberty. IT's really quite pathetic and I very much wish I could put all these feelings into a bottle and then throw it into the ocean. Yes, I realize that I can be pretty dramatic when I am going through a rough patch in my life. The way I act, however, are defenses I have built up over the years, in order to feel as if I have some control over the Picasso piece that is my mind.There are days where I feel like I want to curl into a ball and cry until the tears have dried up.On other days, I want to create destruction to myself and the places around me. Then there are happy days that almost makes me forget that I am unhappy OR make me believe that I will never be happy again. Its feels as if I live in a universe of perpetual sadness that encompasses me like a fish bowl, so that I am tortured to watch the others around me live lives that don't cause them to self destruct every five minutes.

It's a never ending cycle of sadness, bitterness, regret, anger, fear, and waste. 

At least I have my health. 

<~> IRONY

IRONY IS... 


first, caring about someone so much for so long 


and then wanting to hit them in the face with a frying pan. 


Gotta love life.

~~> SETBACKS

Someone once told me that there are times in sadness when all the work one does to heal gets destroyed and one ends up back where they started from, in one more place of regret and refuge.

It feels as if I am going to be stuck in a funk, forever.

(even though I know I won't)

Eff sadness.

Hotties of the Summer

Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black in the Twilight Saga)

Jesse Williams (Jackson Avery in Grey's Anatomy)

(The guy that plays Sam Merlotte on True Blood)

that's three, I'll post more..... 

Perchance to Dream

Last night, I had a dream that I got into a horrible fight with a friend of mine. We were arguing over something stupid. I can not remember what dream-Elizabeth said but it was a comment that had hurt his ego. We were in a house that was similar to his but bigger, about the size of a large mansion- kind of like The Duggar family home (you know, if you are a fan of reality shows on TLC). He was so angry that he started making posters and lists that detailed how and why he wasn't being my friend and hung them all over the walls of this large home. I was in the background of it all, screaming. Crying. angry. In my dream, my friend did not seem to care. I remember thinking, "Maybe he's not noticing me" but he would look over, and grin. He was grinning as if he knew how much his actions where hurting me and did not care, no matter how much I tried to apologize (which was becoming confusing because I started to forget what I had done). This dream was an entire mess.

I woke up with a start, my mind was reeling, exhausted and soon I allowed my self a second of relief because the events of the dream did not really happen.

I was happy.

This happiness, however, was shattered by the sobering realization that, while the events of the dream where not real that my friendship to the the man in my dream was actually over and that I still had not recovered from the experience of our lost connection and last talk.

I felt my friend-heart breaking all over again.

It was a bizarre feeling, one I never want to relive.




Other news: Will Passport and Birth Certificate return to the main office? I effing neeeeeed you!

The Karate Kid's Philosophy on Life!

" When life knocks you down, its up to you to get back up." ShoDre to Mr. Han 

I have had a rough to great three days. I wish I could say that I wallowed in self pity but the truth of the matter is that I can not take anymore sadness in my life. Correction: I can not take being sad anymore, especially when you get the feeling that the person you feel bad about isn't feeling the same way. (Do I sound bitter?) On Saturday, I got into my car and started to take a drive. I really just wanted to hit the highway then stop when I had to pee. Plans changed, however, when I actually started driving and realized that I probably wouldn't be able to get home if I drove too far; with or without my GPS. So I ended up going to my city's downtown and hit the mall for a smoothie, a snack and a movie. Thankfully, I had a free movie ticket and did not have to spend any money except on the small tea I got to keep me warm. The movie, as you can probably guess, was The Karate Kid starring Jayden Smith and Jackie Chan. It hit the spot in my heart that makes me gaga over little American children in different countries fighting adversity, finding father figures and falling in love. It was so bitterly family fun and heart wrenching that I found myself wanting to vomit hearts and rainbows in a spew of candy canes and gum drops. More importantly, the quote listed above has become my new mantra for the times when all I want to do is fall into a bit of dispair.

HOOOOORAH! A film that is actually good.

On Sunday, my best-friend and I went to the beach and stayed there for the most part of all day. It was nice to be in the company of someone who can make me forget my troubles and remind me that there are more important things in this world, such as hot guy and hot dads with less than sub-par wives. (My baaaad). Oh yeah, we were totally site-seeing the tourist hotness of the male variety and we were not disappointed, from old to middle aged- to young to "avert my gaze that kid is probably 16" there was hotness on every corner. I could have cried at its beauty.

Then night came and another one of our friends showed up! The one I was hanging out with ended up going home while me and this friend ended up back at my place for alcohol and "Kick Ass." What this means is that I got a little drunk and ended up passing out around 1am.

Luckily I got it work on time.


:-)

How was your weekend? !