It wasn't really that bad

Remember the gloomy mood I was in when I posted my last blog?

Well, I do.

I expected this holiday season to suck. That I was going to be a grumpy-gus and no one was going to want to be around me.

Well, life has a way of showing you up.

While my behavior on Christmas Eve could have been a pre-cursor to how I was going to spend the holiday weekend, it wasn't. Thanks to my (wonderful) family. As I had mentioned previously, Christmas was not flashy this year. We did not have a Christmas tree this year, my step-father chalked it up to us "kids" not being young anymore. (eeesh) The presents, while mediocre, where heart felt. I guess that is what one should expect during a recession. I did, however, receive a beautiful leather journal. I do not know how my cousins could have known that I wanted one but I did. (You know, because keeping a blog isn't enough of an outlet for my writing!) I'm honestly looking forward to writing in it, filling it up with my personal thoughts. Lame, yet true.

I thought that my Christmas weekend would have turned into a drag because of previous episodes, however, while my mood was gloomy; Christmas was more exciting than ever.

To start out the holiday, my mom starting cooking on Xmas Eve and did not stop for three days straight, and I ate for three days straight.

Seriously, it felt as if my underwear was cutting off my blood flow. Besides, it is impossible to be unhappy around all my favorite food and a wacky family.

Christmas day, was just for my family; for the first time in a long time. There were no obnoxious friends or my aunt's needy boyfriend, it was just the 8 of us. (well, minus a cousin at x-mas eve dinner and another one at x-mas dinner) It was even okay to just lay around and allow the fat from the food to travel from my mouth to my stomach, never taking a much needed detour to my breasts.

The day after Christmas was exciting as well. My brother and I decided to treat our mother to a movie, comedy "It's Complicated." My aunt and cousin went along for the ride. Besides my younger cousin's cranky attitude, the day proved to be funny, exciting and heat felt. (The movie proved to be just okay)

I remember sitting through the film, looking at my family and thinking: wow, this is the best day ever.

Then we ate again.

:-)

I do not think I have ate this much or slept this much in a very long time.

So my message is this, when ever you get into a fight with someone plan it around a time that you can be with your closest people; it doesn't have to be your family. Just allow their warmth and love to be absorbed by your soul because it helps fight off the pain your heat feels. (I hope that last sentence makes sense!)

While it doesn't solve everything, knowing that other people care for you makes the pain easier to endure.

Christmas is going to suck this year

It's Christmas Eve 2009 and from the looks of things, Christmas is not going to be as great as it usually is.
For starters, one of my friendships are broken.
Secondly, there is no Christmas tree in my home this year.
Thirdly, No traditional Christmas either. There is no money to do so.
Fourthly, I don't think anybody is in the Christmas cheer- what with school and work sending everyone in different directions.

I do like to tell you about the presents that life has given me, the ones that I do enjoy every day, instead of regular Christmas presents:

- I have a friend who will ruin a night with a boyfriend to come "scoop" me up instead of spending the time alone.
- I have another friend who will send me titles of songs to help put me in a "fuck em all" mood.
- I met a boy last night who was the cutest thing, followed me around the house and tried everything he could to lift my spirits. He had blond hair and brown eyes, so loveable; too bad he was a dog.
- A mother who screams and shouts when I arrive home because she's so glad to have me home for Christmas; even though she saw me last week.
-Hospitality of people I don't know, who allow me to sleep in beds alone.
- I also have my health, a home and food on the table to be thankful for. It might not seem like much but plenty people in the USA and all around the world can't say the same thing.

I'm trying to have one of these (: instead of these ): .

On the third day of christmas, what did Beth give to me?

It's three days until Christmas and the wonders of being in college has given me little time to prepare! I am also so out of touch with home life that I wouldn't know what to buy everyone.

Except my mom, she only wants a candle.

I wonder if everyone else is soooooo easy.

April 16, 2007

There is a reason why I don't eat at a certain eatery at my school. On April 16, 2007, I stood in line for the first and last time at this place, hoping to order a decent sandwich when I noticed the news. CNN was reporting a double homicide at Virginia Tech, the school that my little brother attends and was currently in his freshman year; being the big sister that I am, I called to check on him. He was doing fine and I let him know that I loved him. I then ate my sandwich and was quickly invited on an hour long search for a rental that my friends and I could live in the following year. During this time, I started getting text messages and phone calls from my friends asking about my brother, wondering if he was okay. I brushed it off and told them he was fine, and that it wasn't too serious.

It wasn't until I returned home and saw my yahoo homepage that I finally saw the damage. At that point, it was about 50 students/professors who were shot- the number of dead and injured was undetermined. I remember freaking out and calling my brother.

No answer.

I felt my heart sink into my chest.
For the 45 seconds it took me to rationalize that he could be talking to my mother, I couldn't breath and it felt as if my heart had stopped beating.
I remember thinking,  No, its not time for me to say goodbye to my baby brother. It can't be.

I called him again.

He picked up, he told me that a friend was unaccounted for and that they were staying put; friends hiding out in a single dorm room. My little brother seemed so out of it, it had to be so surreal for him. Surprisingly, he was calm; I know now that the intensity of the situation hadn't become real for him yet.

I don't think I have ever felt so guilty for being so relieved in my life. There were other older siblings trying, and failing to get in touch with their siblings; some reaching theirs later, others being reunited in a hospital room and sadly, the few who would have to find out that their brother or sister had been killed.

 I told him that I loved him and that was all we could say until the cell phone connection came back up.

Hours later, it would be announced that his friend had passed. That was the first time he allowed himself to feel emotion. He sounded so sad, weak and not in tune with reality. All I wanted to do was be there for him when he relayed the details of his friend's death.

To this day, my brother doesn't talk about the events at Virginia Tech,  read any of the news about the events, or follows the ensuing trials. He did go to his friend's funeral in Northern Virginia. Being the humble person he is, he wouldn't come home until my mom finally begged him to. Thankfully, he wasn't in Norris Hall during the shooting but had been in his dorm room with his friends when they heard the news.

In the weeks following, I couldn't help but remember how I felt when my brother finally left for college. It wasn't like when I left for school, going only 45 minutes away from home and adjusting quickly. My baby brother moved 8 hours away from home and had a hard time adjusting to his new environment. When April rolled around, he had finally became adjusted to his new school and made real friends.

 Then this happened.

On the shootings anniversary, I can't help but try to put myself in his position.Wondering and hoping that this shooter had been caught; scared for my life and the life of my friends. Thinking the inevitable question of "Why did this happened?" and finally, the sadness his heart felt when reality came crashing down after being told that his friend had been killed.

I can't and wouldn't want to.

But if I had a choice, to take all that pain away from my brother and to go through it all instead of him, I would.

I love him that much.


(This is the friend my brother lost that day: Reema Samaha)

P.S.

I just finished watching Inglourious Bastards & all I have to say is: really Mr. Tarantino, that's all you've got?

I was 

      expecting

            something

                        MORE 

With all the talent running around on screen, that's exactly what you want to screen write and produce after 10 years of planning? You could have done better birthday buddy. That's all I'm saying.  I know, I know: it's not like I could have done anything better.

It wasn't that bad, just not what I was expecting from all that hype.

Err.

L.O.-L.O.V.E

One time a friend and I had a discussion about the power of love, my stance what that 'love' isn't everything- that people need more in order to sustain a healthy relationship (whether romantic, familial, or friendly).

My defense: "What's Love Got to Do with It?" by Tina Turner

& then

He responded with: "All You Need is Love" by The Beatles (?)

I shut up and let him win.

       Seriously, who want's to be the one who ruins someones perfect optimism; especially when it comes to the concept of love? 

Not me, that's who.

It's 3 AM again

I read an article that said that if a person is having trouble sleeping, they should actually try sleeping; instead of doing things like playing on the computer, eating or watching t.v.

Eh, What do article really know?

Off to bed. 

In other news: I did what I had to today and I didn't die. It wasn't even that hard, more of a passing in the wind.  I did, however, cried a little while making the decision; enough to make the sales lady at the university bookstore offer me chocolate, her treat.

Ode to being extra emotional!
Praise to those who can't stand crying people.
And above all: Yay to LIFE!