April 16, 2007

There is a reason why I don't eat at a certain eatery at my school. On April 16, 2007, I stood in line for the first and last time at this place, hoping to order a decent sandwich when I noticed the news. CNN was reporting a double homicide at Virginia Tech, the school that my little brother attends and was currently in his freshman year; being the big sister that I am, I called to check on him. He was doing fine and I let him know that I loved him. I then ate my sandwich and was quickly invited on an hour long search for a rental that my friends and I could live in the following year. During this time, I started getting text messages and phone calls from my friends asking about my brother, wondering if he was okay. I brushed it off and told them he was fine, and that it wasn't too serious.

It wasn't until I returned home and saw my yahoo homepage that I finally saw the damage. At that point, it was about 50 students/professors who were shot- the number of dead and injured was undetermined. I remember freaking out and calling my brother.

No answer.

I felt my heart sink into my chest.
For the 45 seconds it took me to rationalize that he could be talking to my mother, I couldn't breath and it felt as if my heart had stopped beating.
I remember thinking,  No, its not time for me to say goodbye to my baby brother. It can't be.

I called him again.

He picked up, he told me that a friend was unaccounted for and that they were staying put; friends hiding out in a single dorm room. My little brother seemed so out of it, it had to be so surreal for him. Surprisingly, he was calm; I know now that the intensity of the situation hadn't become real for him yet.

I don't think I have ever felt so guilty for being so relieved in my life. There were other older siblings trying, and failing to get in touch with their siblings; some reaching theirs later, others being reunited in a hospital room and sadly, the few who would have to find out that their brother or sister had been killed.

 I told him that I loved him and that was all we could say until the cell phone connection came back up.

Hours later, it would be announced that his friend had passed. That was the first time he allowed himself to feel emotion. He sounded so sad, weak and not in tune with reality. All I wanted to do was be there for him when he relayed the details of his friend's death.

To this day, my brother doesn't talk about the events at Virginia Tech,  read any of the news about the events, or follows the ensuing trials. He did go to his friend's funeral in Northern Virginia. Being the humble person he is, he wouldn't come home until my mom finally begged him to. Thankfully, he wasn't in Norris Hall during the shooting but had been in his dorm room with his friends when they heard the news.

In the weeks following, I couldn't help but remember how I felt when my brother finally left for college. It wasn't like when I left for school, going only 45 minutes away from home and adjusting quickly. My baby brother moved 8 hours away from home and had a hard time adjusting to his new environment. When April rolled around, he had finally became adjusted to his new school and made real friends.

 Then this happened.

On the shootings anniversary, I can't help but try to put myself in his position.Wondering and hoping that this shooter had been caught; scared for my life and the life of my friends. Thinking the inevitable question of "Why did this happened?" and finally, the sadness his heart felt when reality came crashing down after being told that his friend had been killed.

I can't and wouldn't want to.

But if I had a choice, to take all that pain away from my brother and to go through it all instead of him, I would.

I love him that much.


(This is the friend my brother lost that day: Reema Samaha)