aftermath

Just like that, when I thought the world had nothing else to offer me when it came to my own self pity, it throws me for a loop with just one simple text message. (or two)

.... and just like that, I am a crying blubbery mess. [thanks for saving me from myself Chris-Chris!]

Well, only for a little while. Then we got to texting......

Which I hate because, honestly, I don't consider them real conversation. Just a dribble of words put together that are supposed to say what is on your mind, NOT what you are feeling. (same goes for instant messaging) 

......and we hashed something things out. I got some things off my chest and he let me know that he did not intend to hurt my feelings. I let him know that while I am still not as hurt as before, I am still angry AND I don't want to be around him. The reasoning behind that realization is that I am pretty sure I won't be able to handle my temper around him. I think I might try to punch him in the face for putting me through so much pain. I don't need that on my criminal record. 


The resolution was this: There's no bad blood between us. I need time for more healing. I can not be around him. (as stated before)

This entire "conversation" comes as a surprise to me since I have spent many traffic jams reexamining exactly what went wrong in our relationship. The fact that there are many reasons as to why it went wrong, gave affirmation that whatever emotional roller coaster I am going through is for a purpose.

One main problem, I realized recently was the level of co-dependent behavior on my end that went on for the past 2 years. I relied on him to dictate who I was friends with, what friends I hung out with, to tell me when I was acting below my abilities, and on and on. Mind you, I fought him on every level but I was there to eat all those words up. I relied on his opinions to validate that someone care about me, that I was more than some girl who just did good things in bed. I did what I could to make myself worthy of him caring for me, even though his words made me feel inadequate.

I gave him all of me and he only gave me some of me. I stopped doing things that made him upset. I fought his opinions every step of the way, instead of telling him to mind his own business.

I basically did what I could to make him think I was to be taken care of and he was the only one who could care for me.

I shared my deepest darkest pain in hopes he would understand.






I wanted him to think that I was special and lovely and beautiful because I have only felt unspecial, unlovely and unbeautiful for most of my life.

Instead, we both made something that could have been a great friendship into a big mess.

I can't help but wonder what would have changed the outcome of our friendship/whatever the fuck it was.

Until next time. ce' le' vie



This is the song that makes me think of him :