its funny, this feeling i have inside me.

at the moment, im listening to the colbie caillat song "i never told you" i posted in the last blog. its the song that i have chosen, at the moment, to play when im having a difficult time with missing him. i say at the moment because throughout the summer, different songs have conveyed what i was feeling towards him.  first, that all american rejects song "gives you hell," then after a 1am text message it was that lady antebellum song "need you now," finally, before "i never told you" it was eminem & rhiannon's song "love the way you lie." hopefully, with that track list, you can see the emotions i have been swimming through this past month. part angry, bitter, longing,  sad, relieved, etc. im not saying its the entire song that moves me to feel a connection but the hooks and chorus line that will convey what im feeling at the moment. or just moments that i find relevant, ie:

aar: " and truth be told i miss you, and truth be told im lying... when you see my face i hope it gives you hell..."
lady antebellum: "....and i wonder if i ever cross your mind.... its a quarter after one and im all alone and i need you now... i said i wouldn't call but i lost all control..."

(you get the picture right?)

i know, i know. im looking too deep into my emotions to feel for a friendship that ended because of the both of us. i get it, i really do.

but there are times where i wonder if a mistake was made, im just trying to figure out where. i mean, i know that there are actions that i would take back if i could but at the same time i regret nothing. not even the parts that i did wrong or how i reacted to what he did wrong. i just can't help but wonder about this whole situation... different scenarios running circles around my brain, so much so that it hurts. I don't know if i would have wanted it any other way and at the same time, i am actually glad that i can't change a thing.

there are days when i fantasize about drinking at a coffee shop and just talking with him. no cuddling, no kissing, no physical contact, just the calming effects of a good conversation and the feeling of friendship that comes with it. sometimes it helps keep the tears at bay.