Casey Anthony

I haven't really had an opinion on this woman. She was acquitted of killing her child because of lack of evidence, not on the sole fact of whether or not she did it.

What pisses me off is that, there are many great, wonderful and fantastic women out there who work their asses off and do not ask for much in order to make their children/families happy. These women do not get handouts or are not made famous for what they do and are only honored by their families (a great honor, mind you), unlike Casey Anthony who is being offered 500K to pose in Hustler.

Unfuckingbelievable.

#theworldisafuckedupplace

2011 isn't blog worthy... wait, that's not true

Well, all you intense blog readers. I'm alive, just soul searching as opposed to keeping to myself a lot.

I've been going to counseling, its helping but its not a 100% fix and I am okay with that.

I am not so obsessed with getting over *him* but I do want closure and to not act all angry and upset every time we are around each other (if that ever happens again). I love my friends and they love me more but I have to be able to accept a couple of things, and just say good bye, farewell and ce le vie.

In other news, life is continuing on!

Letter to My Father

Sorry, I really don't want to talk to you today.

30 Day Song (in 6 days) Challenge: Day 1- 5

I felt like taking part in this. I know that no one is going to read this, however, I want to do something more with my life than trick friends into paying for my dinner. I know its supposed to be a 30 day challenge but screw that crap!


Day 1: My Favorite Song


Kiss Me by Sixpence None the Richer 

Day 2: Your Least Favorite Song

Teach Me How to Dougie 

Day 3:

(edit 4/12/2011: never finished that!)

here we go again.

Slowly and surely, I'm moving along. I hate that its taking this long for me to realize things about myself.

For instance...

I thought that there would be a time where I could be friends with him again. Where I would want to. I have come to the realization that idea is not a truth, there is no more room in my life for him anymore. Our time as friends plus some has long past and I am at peace with this truth. This is a funny thing because last year, all I ever wanted to do was talk to him, to understand why he was angry at me for something that I felt was not my fault. A year later, not talking to him is the best thing for me. I know it seems lame that I am still stuck in a small funk, but I was friends with this guy for over 2 years and I could not imagine myself getting over something in a matter of just a few weeks.

At the moment, at 3:26am, I just feel more comfortable to be myself and I am happier for it than I was a year ago.

I just wish that my heart was not as cold to men as it is.

(Don't look back, don't ever look back.)

Taylor Lautner

Taylor Lautner is the guy that plays the werewolf named Jacob in The Twilight Series and I just remembered that he is 18 years old. 

18 years old. 

That means that one year ago from today, I was lusting over a 17 year old. Something has to be illegal about that but, thankfully, its not. (hopefully) 

"...with all this pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a f**k you...."

Cee Lo Green: "Fuck You" hits the spot.

I would post the youtube video but all that cutting and pasting hurts my head.

In other news, I'm reverting to my old ways. Sort of. I don't know. I'm all conflicted, I don't know if I want a boyfriend or other things. I have never really had a boyfriend for a substantial amount of time, only lovers for the past six years. I do not regret anything I have ever done with my life, its just that this constant marry-go-round of men in my life has left me with a sense of confusion and feeling of suspicion towards all men that have an attraction towards me. This suspicion leaves me to not expect much from men. :-)

My Cousin (Ate') Cris is the best...

Me: "A couple of weeks ago I had a false positive pregnancy test. I started panicking because I would have been 4 and a half months pregnant.  I was freaking out but then I took another 2 and they came out negative."
Her: "It's okay if you were pregnant, you and the baby could have lived here in my house. I would have taken care of you both. "

I'm back

Here I am, stuck at that place.

 The same place I was before that fateful Friday night when he sent me text messages and called my best friend, confessing that he still has/had feelings for me.

You know, that place where I *think* I can let go.

Where everything will be back to normal.

As.long.as.hes.not.there.

Fear and Insanity

Who went to the Colbert and Stewart rally?

This girl.

Who didn't get to hear anything they said?

This girl

Who spent $13 on food that would have cost $5 on a regular Saturday?

This girl

Who had an awesome time and took pictures with people dressed in ridiculous costumes?

It was ME!

                                                               The Metro was crowded!

                                                                      Hear that MOTHER?!

                                                      I just LOVE the Washington Monument!

read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rally_to_Restore_Sanity_and/or_Fear#Crowd_size

sara bareilles, get out of my mind.

I can't get over this song. I heard it 2 days ago and it felt autobiographical, saying words I have been thinking for the past couple of years. Mind you, this is one part of the failed relationship where I put an equal amount of blame on myself for allowing this unhealthy aspect to continue. For some reason, hearing those words allowed me to feel care for, however, it did not keep the back of my mind stringing together angry thoughts that sounded much like the lyrics of this song.


p.s. my period is back. i guess with no reason other than blah, blah, blah to take birth control I forget, which then causes my period. Ugh. I am so bloated that if you put me into water, I'd come out floating without even trying.

Towards Letting Go: Realizing its Not My Fault.

He said to me once, that I make men seem like assholes when they hurt my feelings.

True.

THE DIFFERENCE between  him and the other guys is that three months later, I don't think they are still assholes.

(yes, this is me STILL thinking he's an asshole.)

and I sorta hate him.

Oh world. Oh Dear World.

There are days when I wish that the world would just move in my favor. Eck,

OR maybe I need to find men without ex-girlfriend problems or reject the ones with ex-girlfriend problems.

Ugh, effing idiots tend to rotate around me and I tend to find myself heavily attracted to them.

I don't know why.


But I will not cry.



:-)

Spending a day with a crazy pup

This is Felix. 

Felix is my friends' dog that I volunteered to take care of while my friends were at an amusement park all day. (yes, I was invited to go with. no, i couldn't afford the visit to the amusement park.)

If Felix was a human, he'd be a 9 year old with ADHD. I swear it. 

Felix had the nastiest poop today due to consuming chocolate chip oatmeal cookies last night. It was sooooooo gross. I wanted to vomit. 

Felix barks at everything, everyone walking by and the dogs on the TV. 

He likes to sniff your privates and butt at any given moment. It's highly uncomfortable. 

...... you see that face, right? Its so hard to stay mad at a face like that. 

Felix likes to lick the crap out of your face, just because you taste good and on some level he knows you like it! 

Freudian Slip: Grocery Store

Check-Out Guy: How are you doing today mam? 


Me: You know, the usual; tired, cranky, hore-hungry. 




I'll let you guess what the I was beginning to say, a word that starts with "hore." 

After This, I'm going to make speghetti

I'm literally typing naked, covered by a blanket and in my living room. Any second my roommate could potentially walk in on me in this state and I couldn't care less. I feel beautiful and splendid. I have no idea how that happened, many years ago the thought of someone catching me in a naked state would have mortified me. Which is pretty ironic because many years ago, I was ten pounds lighter than I am now and so super conscious about my body. I don't think my new confidence came from a man or that man (you remember, the one I have been ranting about for the last couple of months) but with age and the knowledge that I have a great body. Mind you, all the squishy and cellulite I could do without but I have yet to meet any fitness enthusiast who can boast more body love than me.

I could work out more. :-)

Welcome all to my first happy post in a long time.

Add On: Move Along, Move Along

I decided today that I am going to be healthy and just move along.

Not move on OR let it go because it takes me a long time to get over things but move along, like that song by All American Rejects.

I'm still going to be angry but no longer spiteful.
I'm still going to be sad but no longer hopeless.
I'm just going to be healthy and allow myself to be happy and not get stuck.


This is a dance I have done a million times before, I know all the steps, the words to the song but I'm going to concentrate on the steps and not to the beat. I know how it ends, I know how to make it easier and better, so in the end I am marvelous.

In other words, I'm taking the steps forward to being happy and move into a state of remember. I am going to remember how I was strong, I was angry, I was sad but I am going to do it from a state of happiness.

In the end, it'll end up like the others. I'll be completely clean on the other side and sated, instead in this state of mind that wishes that I never took that chance and gave a cute boy my number in the computer lab.

Not because I wish I never knew him BUT because I wish I wouldn't be stuck in this state of regret, self-doubt and ugliness.

......

Forget Buddha, My Brother is Better.

My baby brother (he's 22 and I'm 24 1/2) came to visit the family this weekend.
It was incredibly enlightening.
He told me not to worry about things that I can not control, like a stupid driver who can't change lanes correctly.

...in the same way that I shouldn't worry about a overgrown child/jerk who wants the whole truth but doesn't know the first thing about being truthful. 

It was the exact thing that I needed to hear from a person, the type of person that I would listen to and not internally fight with excuses on how I'm right and that person is wrong.

My baby brother is the only person who can give me advice that I will listen to without doubt or worry; always has been and always will. I know that its because of our unspoken bond, we grew up as our own mother and father/ brother and sister, raising each other and giving unsolicited advice when needed.

Did I mention that he's my most favorite person in the whole wide world?!
He's kind of  awesome .

He also thinks I should move out of my city because he finds it ghetto and unsafe.

He says these things because he loves me.

I am also pretty sure that his level of honesty is the standard that I hold all men to. A standard they can not adhere because they are just not that great.


..... sorry.

Switch Sides.

Wanna know who I think has the right idea in the animal kingdom?

The female praying mantis because, you know, she eats the guys head off AFTER she mates with him. You know, purely for fertilization reasons and not because he's an asshole.

Oh well.

I wonder what I'll have to do to become a praying mantis in my next life.

its funny, this feeling i have inside me.

at the moment, im listening to the colbie caillat song "i never told you" i posted in the last blog. its the song that i have chosen, at the moment, to play when im having a difficult time with missing him. i say at the moment because throughout the summer, different songs have conveyed what i was feeling towards him.  first, that all american rejects song "gives you hell," then after a 1am text message it was that lady antebellum song "need you now," finally, before "i never told you" it was eminem & rhiannon's song "love the way you lie." hopefully, with that track list, you can see the emotions i have been swimming through this past month. part angry, bitter, longing,  sad, relieved, etc. im not saying its the entire song that moves me to feel a connection but the hooks and chorus line that will convey what im feeling at the moment. or just moments that i find relevant, ie:

aar: " and truth be told i miss you, and truth be told im lying... when you see my face i hope it gives you hell..."
lady antebellum: "....and i wonder if i ever cross your mind.... its a quarter after one and im all alone and i need you now... i said i wouldn't call but i lost all control..."

(you get the picture right?)

i know, i know. im looking too deep into my emotions to feel for a friendship that ended because of the both of us. i get it, i really do.

but there are times where i wonder if a mistake was made, im just trying to figure out where. i mean, i know that there are actions that i would take back if i could but at the same time i regret nothing. not even the parts that i did wrong or how i reacted to what he did wrong. i just can't help but wonder about this whole situation... different scenarios running circles around my brain, so much so that it hurts. I don't know if i would have wanted it any other way and at the same time, i am actually glad that i can't change a thing.

there are days when i fantasize about drinking at a coffee shop and just talking with him. no cuddling, no kissing, no physical contact, just the calming effects of a good conversation and the feeling of friendship that comes with it. sometimes it helps keep the tears at bay.