MSNBC: Mixed in America

I'm mixed, this is about mixed families in America.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24765917

Glad I don't like the Smell of Axe

...because I might start to take off my clothes and dance up some guys nose. 

 

This song helped me get through High School

That 6th sense of Mine

If you read my "25 more serious facts about me post" (which you probably haven't fair reader- and rest of the world) you now know that I have believe I have a 6th sense about things. It's not uncommon for people to think that, especially if you believe in that sort of thing. The one thing I adore about this 6th sense of mine is this:

Sometimes it's that feeling I get when I believe something bad is going to happen.

Other times, I'm just really flipping hungry.

Scene from Liz's life: Part 2 circa 2006

Location: Apartment-style Dorm Room

(Scene: Liz and her roommates Shardae, Jenny, and Brian are gathered around the television watching a mindless tv show)

Jenny: Hey, what does FYE stand for? 

Brian: Fuck. Yourself........ Elizabeth.

Shardae: Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Liz (me): Fucker. 

25 more serious Random Fact about Me

These did not make the final cut on facebook. 

(1) I am supersticious.

(2) I am on a quest to become spiritual. First by learning about Christianity, then through Buddhism, Wicca, ancient relgions, etc

(3) I have developed a social phobia, I am afraid of making new friends b/c I have been hurt by many people, too many times. 

(4) I rely on people for my strength- I'm working on it. 

(5) I hate, hate when people expect 2 years of WMST courses to erase a lifetime of female insecurities. I am becoming a more educated woman, I'm on the path people! Not at the destination!

(6) I'm working on a spiritual, mental and physical awakening- alone. 

(7) I think I need to stop being too good of a person b/c I keep getting stepped on. It's hard and a part of me doesn't want to. 

(8) I honestly I am being tested by a higher power, I hope I pass. 

(9) I don't believe that God is a male or a female. God just is.....

(10) I believe that I have a 6th sense, there are things that I just know are going to happen. The feeling starts in the pit of my stomach and works its way through my body. 

(11) I have my life planned w/o thinking about marriage. I know what I want to do and that I want children. This is not to say that I am against marriage, but my life will not be over if it happens late in my life; after I have children. 

(12) I would rather travel to the ends of the Earth for the rest of my life than have a career. 

(13) Growing up, I believed my parents loved my brother more. Now I know that they just love us differently but equally. 

(14) #13 had a profound affect on my life, I believe its one reason why I am needy for affection.

(15) I am needy for affection. Sorry :-( 

(16) I am trying to find personal freedom from sadness and lonliness. 

(17) I feel that it is a good thing that I've been single for 4 years, it's allowed me to develop an identity that is independent from any man. It has allowed me to realize what type of person I am and who I will become- sans another person. 

(18) However, when I like a guy, my judgement gets clouded about that person- I'm working on it!  

(19) ".... don't put your pearls before swine" is my new life's motto.

(20) I've given up a lot of my self-dignity for the sake of friendship.

(21) I wish that all my "faces" that I show to people, were all the same.

(22) Only a few people know the real me. I'm okay with that.

(23) I feel that the female body is more beautiful than a mans. This does not make me lesbian, just a person with a open mind to beauty.  

(24) My heart, soul, mind & body tell me that I am a feminist. Deal with it. 

(25) #24 makes me feel smart. 

Feminist Intentions

In class last night, I watched clips from the HBO film, "Iron Jawed Angels" and now I want to watch the movie. I found this picture on wiki, the film recreates this scene.

Look at it! How can you not be inspired? 

Test

Im trying to test the time format on blogger. I don't know how to set it up. 

Then it's off to my homework. 

Edit: I think I'm going to start putting pictures/youtube with all new blogs. I like the way they make the blogs look. :-) 

2 blogs, 1 post

If I ever where to send in a secret to www.postsecret.com, it would be this:

There is something about me that I can not forgive myself for; I'm sorry Elizabeth.

==================================================================

Words of Wisdom

I had a long talk with one of my professors last week, she told me this:

"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you."

That quote is from the Bible, what it means is that a person (ie. you) shouldn't give things of value to those will not appreciate or understand it. Some historians believe that Jesus said this as a warning to his disciples, to only preach to those who are receptive of their teachings.

I give my heart and my kindness mostly to people who do not deserve it. I don't know why I waste my time but I am realizing that I need to quit it because it's tearing away at me. I feel like a failure when things don't go my way, when it reality I gave them something that was never deserved. I want to be free of being the kindest person who get's trappled on and I think I have finally figured out my answer. I need to know a person first before I start to "lay down my pearls" if they are "swine" they do not deserve it. Although it goes against my nature, I think this needs to be done, I need to rise and earn the respect I deserve.

• I need to say "No!"


• I need to go against being good to assholes, douchbags, and motherfuckers for the sake of being a good person.


• I need to love and respect those who respect me back.


• Turn away those who have hurt or betrayed me and have not asked for forgiveness.


• Love those and be true to those who deserve it.

In order to be a good person, I do not need to be a door mat because quite frankly... who is going to respect something they use to wipe the shit from the bottom of their feet on?

Edit: It is now 11:58pm and I am having a spaz attack. My male roommates spent a good part of the day drunk, mixing their off-brand rum with coca-cola. [The night that ensued was insane] As I write this, there are 3 soda bottles sitting on the coffee table that I am fighting not to clean up, I cleaned up after these guys out of mutual-apreciation and while they have paid back my contributions 10-fold, I get the sense that it is not my job to clean up after them. I mean, fuck, they have never cleaned up after me! :-)

the six-word memior

my six-word memior: "stop worrying, karma has its ways"

>>> I like the idea but I don't have the patience to watch the whole 34:47

Liz ruins a mother's day, circa 2007

Scene: Nordstrom's bathroom hallway [FYI: Nordstrom's bathrooms are amazing!] 

(I [Liz] walk by a very chubby baby boy whose father is waiting for his mother.) 

Liz: Hello! 

Baby: Hel-lo! 

(Looks at son in surprise) Father: What the hell did you just say? 

Mom walks down the hallway

Father: He just said his first word!

My friend, Jenny: Liz, we need to go right now. You just ruined that women's life. 

Valentine's Day Blog

I know that I am a day late with this, the original blog that I had written for yesterday was so sappy that your eyes would have gotten a cavity from reading it. Of course I had written in the text box provided to me by blogger when the internet lost signal as soon as I had hit the publish button and everything I had written was lost. Then I ended up going out to dinner, coming home and getting shit-faced then sent out a series of drunken text messages. I also don’t know where my earring is (the industrial):
 If you want a summary of the original blog, here it is:

 I am single and I love Valentine’s Day. I love everyone. I love you! 

This stand in blog will be about love, the love that I have for my body. I realized this last night while celebrating V-Day with friends of mine. I observed girls dressed up, ready to show their love with their significant other through dinner, movie and maybe some ice cream. As I saw a lot of these girls, I couldn’t help but think that a lot of them don’t have curves. I’m not writing in this blog that says that skinny isn’t beautiful, it’s just that to me the best part of being a woman being able to show off a type of body that is jaw-dropping. A jaw-dropping body doesn’t just have great breasts but hips and ass too. 

I’ve been told that I am lucky that I have a pear shape body, by a gay man so you know it wasn’t just to get into my pants. My breasts may be small but they are mine. You want to know what us small breasted women say about the big-breasted females. That when their boobs have hit the floor, ours will still be pointing towards the sky. 

I may look like a skinny person but I have some weight to my body, this is shown when looking at my tummy. Instead of being flat, its round but I’m ok with that. My stomach links me to the other women in my mother’s family; we all have stomachs that seem to “stick out.” I love-love-love-love food, while I eat try to eat healthy- I refuse to go on one of those crazy diets to have a factory issued-magazine body. 

I adore my hips, I love the way I wear a pair of pants. I love the shape they give my body although they may not be the largest but for my body frame, they are big and round. My rear-end, I believe, makes up for my lack of breasts. A rear-end is a surprise, a gift to those who look hard enough. Why do some guys proclaim themselves as ass-men? Because female with a large chest can wear a low-cut shirt to show them off but to show off a great ass….one will have to wear the right type of shorts, skirt, or pants. A right pair will have to cling in the curvier places of the rump, hiding nothing…. Just showing off the good  

My legs have never disappointed me; they are lean, muscular and powerful. I love nothing more but to wear short dresses to show them off (for myself). The best part about it, they are natural- no exercise needed! These too are a gift from my mother’s family, her aunt…. At 60 years old can be found wearing short-shorts and heels, she has the legs of a 20 year old.  

I just don’t like all that jiggle.  :-)

Shut up, worry wart!

I worry about everything: school, family, dinner, parties, people I don't know, conflicts all over the world, people letting me down, etc. People often tell me, "Hey, Reeeeeelax- take a chill pill." Most times, I can- I end up realizing that what I am worrying about doesn't really matter.

....and I breathe a sigh of relief.

Except when I worry about people letting me down because for some strange reason, I know when and how they are betraying me. Maybe its the universe's way of cushioning the blow to my soul. Maybe it's psychotic.

The point of the matter is..... I know and it doesn't make me hurt any less.

It's the worst feeling in the world, building up trust in a person and feel the pain when it ends up blowing up in my face. There are times when i smack myself, when I thought that this time.... this time the person was different.

9 times out of 11, I am proven wrong.

For some strange reason, I am pulled back up from my sorrow and I fall victim to blind trust, to believing the type of character a person percieves themself to have.

Most times, however, one can find me waiting.... always on edge, always ready to be let down when I am once again proven wrong.

At this point in my life, the number of times I have been let down has outnumbered the times that I haven't. So I sit here still like a lioness waiting for its prey until the next time my heart feels broken.

When my eyes weep again.

When I am sorrowfully dispointed.

Mostly, I just wait for the day when I am the person that I trust to never break my own heart, to never commit those acts that violate my love and to never worry if another person will prove me wrong again.

Marlene Dietrich Quote

It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.

Stupid Poem

I sit here wishing,

wishing I never knew you

and sadly;

I never did. 

Story about a Boy

The first time I started noticing boys was in the 2nd grade, everyday that Jason the Red Ranger (and then Tommy the Green Ranger, who I liked more) would appear on screen on the my family's small tv screen ....my heart would flutter. It wasn't until the 4th grade that I got my first real "crush." Poor boy, he caught a lot of flack for me liking him because I wasn't exactly one of the most prettiest girls in the class. He was psuedo-grundge and sort of a bad ass, him and his friends got arrested for shoplifting long before anyone knew how to spell the damn word. This boy was confused as to why I liked him but used my feelings to his advantage, he usually cut me in the lunch line. I think I even let him copy my homework once. 

Yep, even as a youngerster I allowed boys I had feelings for to step all over me in the name of grand affection. Even in the present day, I have been known to allow myself to be stepped on by those guys that I adore. For example, a former roommate who I cared for deeply didn't realize that he was a disgusting pig who left burger bags and french fry holders in his wake, why? Because I cleaned up after him everywhere he turned, it wasn't until he moved away and uncovered the dark truth about himself. Which is ironic, if you actually saw the room I kept. 

I often sit in my bed and wonder, when did it become ingrained into me that being stepped on would be attractive to guys. Is it a learned behavior? Because I don't remember a time when my mother ever allowed herself to be pushed aside by a man. Does it have to deal with the patrilineal race that happens to take up half my DNA? Is there a chance that its an aquired behavior that was passed on through the generations? Or could it be because of my father, who is hot-tempered, controlling ball of fun? No, because that wouldn't explain 4th grade (I didn't live with him until the 7th grade).  If I find the answer, is there even some type of cognitive therapy that will change this aspect about myself? What if I said that this trait is something that I don't even notice that I do? That doing things for a person that I care for is something innate, that I just like to see the ones I care for being happy? 

I'll admit it, I can become a smother-er and I guess that means that I am just up the creek without a paddle when it comes to this affection B.S. 

I know I am not the only person with this issue. That there are men and women out there who equate affection with bending over backward for the person. It can often be over the top or subtle but in general, it just causes a little bit of more pain when the other person doesn't return the feelings. The heart hurts even more when the desired person uses those feeling for their own self gain. 

Being used, having the heart stepped on, being walked all over.... common stories of those who do the same things I do for another person. 

Ugh. What a great pre-Valetines Day BLOG! 

Phem: the awesome blog

I am a contributer for the blog Phem, something very awesome created by a classmate of mine (and one of the few readers of this blog.... hey homie! hope it doesn't freak you out to read about your self! :-S ). It talks about feminist issues around the Hampton Roads area, around the world, feminist events that are happening around the area , etc. My summary is not doing the site justice, as I am a terribly ungifted and unmotivated writer. 

Which gives this blog a concieted turn! 

I have a lot of ideas for the blog but I am intimidated by those who have written before me. The articles about pimpology, feminity and sexuality, genital cutting, even the summary on the movie that was showing at CNU; I feel as if it surpasses anything that I have to write. 

So what to do, what to do. 

Do I give up and admit defeat? or do I...

write about all the ideas that I have bottled up in my head????? 

.................. 

This weekend

This is just a reminder that I have to blog about my weekend. 

My friend came down this weekend. It turned into a mess. I am going to try to blog about it.

..... It was too complicated and too dramatic to blog about. If you want to know about it, please set aside 4 hours and a bottle of red bull in order to listen to me spin my tale of unbelieveable bullshit. 

Believe or not to believe, these are words of wisdom

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity 
to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference. 

Living one day at a time; 
Enjoying one moment at a time; 
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; 
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it; 
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life 
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen. 

--Reinhold Niebuhr

*I totally took that picture

Random Thought

..... I think I need a freakum' dress. 

Thanks Beyonce

Depression

Imagine that you fell into a muddy puddle, not only can you not pull yourself out but its downpouring and the puddle gets bigger and deeper, something that you were not prepared for. Not only were you not ready, you find yourself just wanting to stop the fight and just let yourself become one with the puddle. 

That's sort of what depression feels like. There are some days where everything is fine, the birds are chirping; life is wonderful and great. Then there are days were one will find themselves drowning in a pool of their own sorrow, not trying to fight it really, just wanting to stay back and wait for the sadness to wander away; although it rarely feels like it ever will.  

If you haven't noticed, I am a sufferer of depression, I'm just really great at faking it. [Screw you if you don't believe in such things; its real, and runs on the female side of my family. Why do you think we are all half-crazy] Call it a hereditary chemical imbalence, a period of prolonged saddness or just plain psychotic. I just call it apart of my everyday life. 

On my good days, the days were life is just peachy-keen, where I feel normal, balanced and the laughter that comes out of my mouth seems to flow from my soul. When I hate to be sleeping because it takes away from the things that I love: school, school work, work, family, friends and anything else that gives me a skip to my step. 

During my bad days, normal activities seem like a chore, and I have to fake the happiness that seems to allude from me.  These are the days where I want to sleep my life away because the sorrow doesn't seem to follow me into my dreams. It's because of these types of days that I feel like the fakest person in a room because the happiness that seems to radiate is all an act, just so no one will feel the need to ask me "What's wrong?"

Excuse me, what's wrong? I'm stuck in a neverending rollercoaster of emotions that no pill, bottle, drug, counselor, family member, classmate or friend can never truly help me get off of. To deal with depression is to deal with the neverending process of feeling like shit and hating yourself when there is no true reason to. Which is hard as hell considering that I love life. 

I just hate depression. 

I get so tired of being sad sometimes that all I want to do is cry. Cry until there are no tears left, and then go about my buisness like nothing happend. 

I must cry about 10 times a week. 

Don't put me on any type of watch, I would rather go through life battling my emotions than not living it at all. There are days that the only thing that gets me going is the fact that I am alive and I can not , truly, complain about much. 

....and for those who have heard my never-ending tale about my life before college, will know that I am a very strong person. 

It's 213am at this very moment, so I have to cut this blog short. Did I mention that I feel like crap because I am sick? 

Take a moment to observe the people around you, most of those people probably are not the person they really want to be. 

Isn't college great like that? 

....Does the feeling ever go away?