Story about a Boy

The first time I started noticing boys was in the 2nd grade, everyday that Jason the Red Ranger (and then Tommy the Green Ranger, who I liked more) would appear on screen on the my family's small tv screen ....my heart would flutter. It wasn't until the 4th grade that I got my first real "crush." Poor boy, he caught a lot of flack for me liking him because I wasn't exactly one of the most prettiest girls in the class. He was psuedo-grundge and sort of a bad ass, him and his friends got arrested for shoplifting long before anyone knew how to spell the damn word. This boy was confused as to why I liked him but used my feelings to his advantage, he usually cut me in the lunch line. I think I even let him copy my homework once. 

Yep, even as a youngerster I allowed boys I had feelings for to step all over me in the name of grand affection. Even in the present day, I have been known to allow myself to be stepped on by those guys that I adore. For example, a former roommate who I cared for deeply didn't realize that he was a disgusting pig who left burger bags and french fry holders in his wake, why? Because I cleaned up after him everywhere he turned, it wasn't until he moved away and uncovered the dark truth about himself. Which is ironic, if you actually saw the room I kept. 

I often sit in my bed and wonder, when did it become ingrained into me that being stepped on would be attractive to guys. Is it a learned behavior? Because I don't remember a time when my mother ever allowed herself to be pushed aside by a man. Does it have to deal with the patrilineal race that happens to take up half my DNA? Is there a chance that its an aquired behavior that was passed on through the generations? Or could it be because of my father, who is hot-tempered, controlling ball of fun? No, because that wouldn't explain 4th grade (I didn't live with him until the 7th grade).  If I find the answer, is there even some type of cognitive therapy that will change this aspect about myself? What if I said that this trait is something that I don't even notice that I do? That doing things for a person that I care for is something innate, that I just like to see the ones I care for being happy? 

I'll admit it, I can become a smother-er and I guess that means that I am just up the creek without a paddle when it comes to this affection B.S. 

I know I am not the only person with this issue. That there are men and women out there who equate affection with bending over backward for the person. It can often be over the top or subtle but in general, it just causes a little bit of more pain when the other person doesn't return the feelings. The heart hurts even more when the desired person uses those feeling for their own self gain. 

Being used, having the heart stepped on, being walked all over.... common stories of those who do the same things I do for another person. 

Ugh. What a great pre-Valetines Day BLOG!