Nunnery Names and so long 2010

I'm in a funk right now BUT 2009 has been a great year! I've grown vastly this year, although it might not seem like it. I feel that I am a better person than I was in 2008 and I hope that it shows in the way that I carry myself. I hope 2010 becomes another year of personal triumph.

Instead of New Years Resolutions that I never keep, I will be sharing a list of hopes for my family:

1. I hope that my family's financial situation becomes better.

2. I hope that my cousin becomes an independent adult and learns to become self-sufficient.

3. I hope that my other cousin achieves her goals in life!

4. I hope that my brother and father's relationship improves. (however, I am glad that my brother finally realizes that my father isn't perfect)

5. I hope my step-mother jumps off the face of the earth.

6. I hope that my mother finds my birth certificate and helps me renew my passport. (ok, that one was for me)

7. I hope that my youngest cousin keeps showing improvement in his special education courses!

8. I hope my brother gets a second major in Economics, for no other reason than he would be amazing at it. He has a business centric mind.

9. I hope my mom realizes that she has a problem and stop.

10. ditto for my step-father.

11. ditto for my father.

12. I hope that my aunt realizes that she isn't fat but beautiful and learns to eat for health instead of beauty.

13. I hope my brother proposes to his girlfriend at some point of their relationship. (if he read that, he would kill me)

14. I hope my long time roommate figures out exactly what she wants to do with her life.

15. I hope my other roommate achieves what he wants to do.

16. I hope that a former roommate has a better year in 2010 and finds happiness, including a man who wants to marry her.

17. I hope that my friend comes back into my life.

18. I hope that all of my friends' babies are born healthy and happy!

19. I hope my hamsters live a long life and that they are as sweet as they are now!

20. Lastly, (this one is for me) I hope that I finally become self-sufficient yet allow others in.

Happy new years everyone!

Good bye 2009!  


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On a separate note, I'm thinking about forming my own nunnery with one follower: Me. 

I say my own because I'm not big on Catholicism, however, do not mind living a life of chastity, with Jesus as my husband.  

In that case, I have thought of three names for joining the nunnery; they are: 


a. Sister Mary Donovan
b. Sister Mary Marley
c. Sister Mary Demetra [after my favorite yacht club kid!) 

Any comments, questions or suggestions? 

......

Does anyone have a time machine? Or a fast moving Delorian?!

It wasn't really that bad

Remember the gloomy mood I was in when I posted my last blog?

Well, I do.

I expected this holiday season to suck. That I was going to be a grumpy-gus and no one was going to want to be around me.

Well, life has a way of showing you up.

While my behavior on Christmas Eve could have been a pre-cursor to how I was going to spend the holiday weekend, it wasn't. Thanks to my (wonderful) family. As I had mentioned previously, Christmas was not flashy this year. We did not have a Christmas tree this year, my step-father chalked it up to us "kids" not being young anymore. (eeesh) The presents, while mediocre, where heart felt. I guess that is what one should expect during a recession. I did, however, receive a beautiful leather journal. I do not know how my cousins could have known that I wanted one but I did. (You know, because keeping a blog isn't enough of an outlet for my writing!) I'm honestly looking forward to writing in it, filling it up with my personal thoughts. Lame, yet true.

I thought that my Christmas weekend would have turned into a drag because of previous episodes, however, while my mood was gloomy; Christmas was more exciting than ever.

To start out the holiday, my mom starting cooking on Xmas Eve and did not stop for three days straight, and I ate for three days straight.

Seriously, it felt as if my underwear was cutting off my blood flow. Besides, it is impossible to be unhappy around all my favorite food and a wacky family.

Christmas day, was just for my family; for the first time in a long time. There were no obnoxious friends or my aunt's needy boyfriend, it was just the 8 of us. (well, minus a cousin at x-mas eve dinner and another one at x-mas dinner) It was even okay to just lay around and allow the fat from the food to travel from my mouth to my stomach, never taking a much needed detour to my breasts.

The day after Christmas was exciting as well. My brother and I decided to treat our mother to a movie, comedy "It's Complicated." My aunt and cousin went along for the ride. Besides my younger cousin's cranky attitude, the day proved to be funny, exciting and heat felt. (The movie proved to be just okay)

I remember sitting through the film, looking at my family and thinking: wow, this is the best day ever.

Then we ate again.

:-)

I do not think I have ate this much or slept this much in a very long time.

So my message is this, when ever you get into a fight with someone plan it around a time that you can be with your closest people; it doesn't have to be your family. Just allow their warmth and love to be absorbed by your soul because it helps fight off the pain your heat feels. (I hope that last sentence makes sense!)

While it doesn't solve everything, knowing that other people care for you makes the pain easier to endure.

Christmas is going to suck this year

It's Christmas Eve 2009 and from the looks of things, Christmas is not going to be as great as it usually is.
For starters, one of my friendships are broken.
Secondly, there is no Christmas tree in my home this year.
Thirdly, No traditional Christmas either. There is no money to do so.
Fourthly, I don't think anybody is in the Christmas cheer- what with school and work sending everyone in different directions.

I do like to tell you about the presents that life has given me, the ones that I do enjoy every day, instead of regular Christmas presents:

- I have a friend who will ruin a night with a boyfriend to come "scoop" me up instead of spending the time alone.
- I have another friend who will send me titles of songs to help put me in a "fuck em all" mood.
- I met a boy last night who was the cutest thing, followed me around the house and tried everything he could to lift my spirits. He had blond hair and brown eyes, so loveable; too bad he was a dog.
- A mother who screams and shouts when I arrive home because she's so glad to have me home for Christmas; even though she saw me last week.
-Hospitality of people I don't know, who allow me to sleep in beds alone.
- I also have my health, a home and food on the table to be thankful for. It might not seem like much but plenty people in the USA and all around the world can't say the same thing.

I'm trying to have one of these (: instead of these ): .

On the third day of christmas, what did Beth give to me?

It's three days until Christmas and the wonders of being in college has given me little time to prepare! I am also so out of touch with home life that I wouldn't know what to buy everyone.

Except my mom, she only wants a candle.

I wonder if everyone else is soooooo easy.

April 16, 2007

There is a reason why I don't eat at a certain eatery at my school. On April 16, 2007, I stood in line for the first and last time at this place, hoping to order a decent sandwich when I noticed the news. CNN was reporting a double homicide at Virginia Tech, the school that my little brother attends and was currently in his freshman year; being the big sister that I am, I called to check on him. He was doing fine and I let him know that I loved him. I then ate my sandwich and was quickly invited on an hour long search for a rental that my friends and I could live in the following year. During this time, I started getting text messages and phone calls from my friends asking about my brother, wondering if he was okay. I brushed it off and told them he was fine, and that it wasn't too serious.

It wasn't until I returned home and saw my yahoo homepage that I finally saw the damage. At that point, it was about 50 students/professors who were shot- the number of dead and injured was undetermined. I remember freaking out and calling my brother.

No answer.

I felt my heart sink into my chest.
For the 45 seconds it took me to rationalize that he could be talking to my mother, I couldn't breath and it felt as if my heart had stopped beating.
I remember thinking,  No, its not time for me to say goodbye to my baby brother. It can't be.

I called him again.

He picked up, he told me that a friend was unaccounted for and that they were staying put; friends hiding out in a single dorm room. My little brother seemed so out of it, it had to be so surreal for him. Surprisingly, he was calm; I know now that the intensity of the situation hadn't become real for him yet.

I don't think I have ever felt so guilty for being so relieved in my life. There were other older siblings trying, and failing to get in touch with their siblings; some reaching theirs later, others being reunited in a hospital room and sadly, the few who would have to find out that their brother or sister had been killed.

 I told him that I loved him and that was all we could say until the cell phone connection came back up.

Hours later, it would be announced that his friend had passed. That was the first time he allowed himself to feel emotion. He sounded so sad, weak and not in tune with reality. All I wanted to do was be there for him when he relayed the details of his friend's death.

To this day, my brother doesn't talk about the events at Virginia Tech,  read any of the news about the events, or follows the ensuing trials. He did go to his friend's funeral in Northern Virginia. Being the humble person he is, he wouldn't come home until my mom finally begged him to. Thankfully, he wasn't in Norris Hall during the shooting but had been in his dorm room with his friends when they heard the news.

In the weeks following, I couldn't help but remember how I felt when my brother finally left for college. It wasn't like when I left for school, going only 45 minutes away from home and adjusting quickly. My baby brother moved 8 hours away from home and had a hard time adjusting to his new environment. When April rolled around, he had finally became adjusted to his new school and made real friends.

 Then this happened.

On the shootings anniversary, I can't help but try to put myself in his position.Wondering and hoping that this shooter had been caught; scared for my life and the life of my friends. Thinking the inevitable question of "Why did this happened?" and finally, the sadness his heart felt when reality came crashing down after being told that his friend had been killed.

I can't and wouldn't want to.

But if I had a choice, to take all that pain away from my brother and to go through it all instead of him, I would.

I love him that much.


(This is the friend my brother lost that day: Reema Samaha)

P.S.

I just finished watching Inglourious Bastards & all I have to say is: really Mr. Tarantino, that's all you've got?

I was 

      expecting

            something

                        MORE 

With all the talent running around on screen, that's exactly what you want to screen write and produce after 10 years of planning? You could have done better birthday buddy. That's all I'm saying.  I know, I know: it's not like I could have done anything better.

It wasn't that bad, just not what I was expecting from all that hype.

Err.

L.O.-L.O.V.E

One time a friend and I had a discussion about the power of love, my stance what that 'love' isn't everything- that people need more in order to sustain a healthy relationship (whether romantic, familial, or friendly).

My defense: "What's Love Got to Do with It?" by Tina Turner

& then

He responded with: "All You Need is Love" by The Beatles (?)

I shut up and let him win.

       Seriously, who want's to be the one who ruins someones perfect optimism; especially when it comes to the concept of love? 

Not me, that's who.

It's 3 AM again

I read an article that said that if a person is having trouble sleeping, they should actually try sleeping; instead of doing things like playing on the computer, eating or watching t.v.

Eh, What do article really know?

Off to bed. 

In other news: I did what I had to today and I didn't die. It wasn't even that hard, more of a passing in the wind.  I did, however, cried a little while making the decision; enough to make the sales lady at the university bookstore offer me chocolate, her treat.

Ode to being extra emotional!
Praise to those who can't stand crying people.
And above all: Yay to LIFE!

What to do?

At this moment, I am "caught between a rock and a hard place." It's left me tireless and oddly, wanting sweet tea. It's at times like these I am glad that I have faith in a higher power and believe in prayer; even if there is anything that I can not do about a certain situation, hashing it out with "man upstairs" makes me calmer.

[The above statement makes me feel smug. I am okay with this.]

Tonight, I am asking God to giving me the strength to decide the proper solution to a difficult problem. At this moment, as I type and ponder, I am reminded of the lyrics to a song I have had stuck in my head for a couple of days:

"you can't always get what you want.... but if you try sometimes, you get what you need"

How is that for divine intervention?

last year

At the same time, last year, I hated myself and the life that I led. All my mistakes and bad decisions seemed to have drowned me in sorrow. I don't know if you knew it from looking at me but I felt so lost, so alone and so vulnerable. I was an empty shell with a disconnected soul, moving through life with no joy or motivation. The part that I hated the most was the fact that I didn't feel that anything was wrong in my life.

On the contrary, I felt so blessed. My friends and family are strange people but I love them so and they love me. I was healthy, provided for, and smart... all the making for a happy and well-adjusted person.

It was the past, however, that kept me from enjoying life. The path that I chose was damaging and unconventional but mine, none the less. Something that I needed to heal from, to learn from the mistakes of mine and the damages that was placed upon me.

I was so sad last year. 

It's funny what a year does to a person.

I would love to call myself a different person but its not true, I'm the same Liz. Just happier and healthier, still evolving into someone better, prouder and wiser.Still healing and seeking help.

The difference is that I enjoy every minute of everyday now.

This is not to say that I never get sad or angry or discouraged. I wouldn't want to talk too soon.

I'm just not drowning  in the deep sorrow I put myself in, anymore.
I don't hate myself, either.

I've accepted "the things I cannot change," have " the courage to change the things I can " and "the wisdom to know the difference."  

Was this blog lame?

(Should I go teach in South Korea? Questions,Questions)

Feburary 11, 2010

Taylor Lautner needs to hurry up and turn 18, so all the impure thoughts about him will no longer be illegal.

I'll never get used to this

I will always and forever be in second or last place.

It will never matter if I am prettier, younger, more outgoing or have a better overall personality than another person.

For one reason or another, I will always lose.

I wish I didn't see life as a competition but I do and I probably always will.
Damn that low self-esteem of mine!

Even tonight, it was supposed to be my night of self-loathing and belligerent drinking. But I got beat.

 A friend of mine had to just sweep in with more self-loathing, self-hatred, personal issues and lower tolerance. He got drunk and is passed out cold. I'm stone cold sober.

Yay to my life.

The strives of being a Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllll

I love being a girl/woman/female. I love,love it. I may complain about the cramps, bloating, breast soreness, and other disadvantages but it's what makes me a girl/woman/female; I'm okay with it all because I always make well with the hands I get dealt in life.

There are things, however, that I can do without; like for example, the "flash" period. I.e.: I haven't had my period for almost 2 days when it appeared out of know where.

Confused? Here is the explanation:

Last night,  my underwear miraculously gets stained by fresh period blood from my very own vagina. By miraculously, I mean that my period just happen out of no where. That was not supposed to have happen! I can not tell you how unbelievably uncomfortable this makes me feel. And embarrassing, seeing how I had witnesses to this fiasco.

What does this mean? 

I think its due to stress.

But what do I know? 

I am not a doctor.

Even though this is my body and I should know everything else about it.

Oh! I forgot the best part of this story! So I put a pad on last night and surprise,surprise there is no more period blood to be found.

Oh how I love the wonders of the female body.

Thank you Mother Nature for ruining, what could have been, a nice night.

P.S. If this entry is deemed to gruesome or disgusting to read, then go find yourself another blog to read because this one is mine.

Threesomes

I had a snowball conversation yesterday. 

What is a snowball conversation? Well, I'll tell you. 

It's when a completing random conversation stems from a completely different topic. For example, the conversation started like this: 

(guy):Did you see "New Moon"?"

(me): hell yeah. Taylor Lautner is so hot.

(guy): He's dating Taylor Swift, you know.

(me):* Eh, we'll have a threesome. I don't care.

(guy): See, I couldn't have a threesome with those two; Taylor Lautner is too buff.... [conversation goes on about Taylor Lautner and how is body is builty and how if this dude was gay he would like him too. I <3 my friends]

The majority of our conversation was about threesomes. It was pretty hilarious, not at all serious AND not sexual.  No, not the underlying culture movement or anything socially progressive like that. But the benefits and tribulations of the many questions that may go into the planning of a threesome. For example: 

- If a couple was inviting another person into a threesome, would it be better to be friends with said person?

Disagreement

 (guy) Yes, because it would be easier to get into the grove of things [ie. have sex, he claims it would be harder to do so with a stranger].

 (me) No, for two reasons [1] alcohol would ease the uncomfortable-ness and [2] what if the joined person is a friend and they start a secret relationship with one of the people; you can write a stranger out of your life the next day

-Which is better? Two guys and a girl, or two girls, one guy?

Agree, oddly enough but for different reasons

(guy) It would be too much, plus he would "destroy all of the work I did down there"[i'll leave that explanation to the imagination]

(me) the threesome thing does not interest me, however, two guys would end up being too aggressive- I think.

-Why females do not want to have a threesome.

Agree, for the same reasons

(guy) I think she would get jealous if the girl get's better than her. [He said that getting a girl that looked like his girl friend would be dumb because what's the point? The idea is to have sex with two separate woman, not the same one]

(me) I'm too jealous of a person, she might look better than me or have aspects of her body that he likes more. Plus what if he does something to her that he didn't with me?

-Could one enter a couple's bedroom (ie. have a threesome with a couple)

Disagreement

(guy) Eh. I'm in a relationship but if I was single, hell yeah.

(me) No. what if she get's jealous and they start to ignore me? What's the point?

then it went on and on. hahahaha

I'm hoping that the conversation is less boring to the outside world because it was hilarious to me. While wanting or having a threesome may have some deep implications, the fact remains that it is a topic that can inspire insight or hilarious conversations. 

* (Taylor Swift has nothing on my love for Taylor Lautner) 

rebellion

I'm going to apply for a job that I shouldn't just because I'm curious to know if I'll get it.

That is all.

20 things.... (no real order!)

I am thankful for...
20. Glee, if you love musicals- you would the show. It's about these misfits and not so misfits who are in a Glee club, mentored by the Spanish teacher at their schoo, Mr. Shuester. This show covers everything that high school could be about (hahaha, I wouldn't know) teen pregnancy, sexting, crushes on teachers, parent abandonment, adoption, falling in love, homosexuality, etc.
19. College, I love to learn, I love my professors, the Women's Studies Department, I like my job, the campus, the food joints, janitors, food service people, etc! The love I have for them all is probably why I haven't left yet.
18. Taylor Lautner as Jacob Black in New Moon, how could I not be thankful for this "hunka-hunka burning love"? He is what made New Moon enjoyable. I loved him so much that I bought a shirt. In February, I'll be thankful that he's 18, graduates him from jailbail to eye candy.
17. My new found strength, which makes me realize that I am worth it- that I do not deserve to be manipulated and disregarded for someone else's pleasure. I am not a cold hearted bitch for telling people how I feel I should be treated because I that's what I feel it should be.
16. Christmas Carols, though I'm not entirely in the mood for Christmas, Christmas carols put me in a warm mood. Even the sad ones, ie "Christmas Shoes."
15. A professor who grades papers while in South Africa, Seriously, who does that? A wonderful woman, that's who.
14. Phem interactive magazine, its my feminist break from the outside world.... it sparks ideas and gives me something to think, its the best thing that no one is talking about! Make it loud!
13. Food, more specifically: Filipino, Japanese, Indian, and Vietnamese; without your consumption, I would not have gained that extra 10 pounds this year.
12. A job, it may not be the best job on the planet but it is mine and brings in some extra income, something that many people do not have these days.
11. Facebook, if it wasn't for this social networking site, I would have no idea what is going on in anybody's world PLUS its a great distraction from school. Plus it helped me connect with friends and family that I have not seen in years!
10. Books, the perfect book is an exciting escape from reality. If I could, I would stay in my room and read all day.
9. New friendships, making friends is hard, its easy for some and harder for others. I am glad that I have met some awesome people at this time and can't wait to get to know them better! Some, I treasure more than others! Over the past year, I have let go of people and allowed some to enter into my life.
8. Old friendships, these people have been here since the beginning of college. They are the oldest and closest friends I have. I can't get enough of them, which makes me miss the past because we all had more time to spend with eachother.
7. Don't Stop Believing by Journey, it's become my anthem of sorts- if I can't finish a paper or project.... these are the lyrics I think of.
6. Tropicana at Atlantic City, NJ, so its taken most of my college tuition but it reminds me that sometimes, I am a princess and should be treated as such.
5.Text messages, if you have been on the receiving end of one, you should know why! I love sending them more than receiving, and while they are no substitute for voice interaction.... they allow to have conversations with people when you really don't want to. AND HAVE BECOME TOOLS FOR GOSSIP!
4. My Maryland Family, Thank you for not forgetting us, you could really write us out of your lives and you choose not too. I love you!
3. My adopted extended family, You know.... my "aunt" and "cousins," you have been there for us through thick and thin and vice versa. I love you, we love you!
2. My parents , you're not the best but you try very hard and I thank you for it! I know Im a hard kid to get through to but...... what ev.
1. Last but not least, my brother, it makes me cry when I think about how close we are not anymore. We've been through a lot and I love you a lot. You are more independent than I give you credit for. I guess you could say that you are my first baby, but we raised each other.  From what I can tell, we did a pretty damn good job. I am more excited for your future than I am for mine! I know you will get ahead in this world, just keep your head up high and your feet on the ground.

Defying Gravity

Tear

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3g4ekwTd6Ig




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Ellen pretty much sums it all up

Crying

I wish crying didn't have such a negative connotation. I have found that I often cry when I am full of so much emotion: happiness, sadness and anger(ness). For the first time, in such a long time- I feel just fine. I have come to realize my life isn't perfect, that things won't go my way and that my life is just beginning.

At this moment, however, I am content. No matter how much I complain about how I think things will go bad, I just want everyone to know that at this precise moment I feel lucky. Lucky that while my life hasn't been exactly perfect, that I haven't been exactly perfect, I'm thankful for everyone and everything in life.

This is probably why I'm crying right now, my heart feels so full with emotion that it might bust at the seems. [Think in terms of large breasts in a corset, you perv.]

I don't like to use the word happy because I believe that it may jinx my overall feeling but right now I want to remember just how great it feels to finally feel normal and free to be my true self.

Just happily me!

nights like these: My only attempt at Poetry

there are nights like these
where everything is still
just the buzzing of electricity
the faint chatter of my neighbors through thin walls
and me
quiet
patient
terrified

on nights like these
i cry
fearing the things that i dont want to happen
damning the things that shouldn't have happen
caring about the things that i want to make happen
the shouldas,wouldas and couldas
so many things keep me away

on nights like these
that make me wonder
where i would be
if my past didnt happen
if i didn't have to find strength in what has happen
if everything that has happen
was different

on nights like these
i am thankful
for people
places
things
for strength
happiness
and the new love i have for myself

on nights like these
i finally realize
that the past is the past
and i wouldn't change anything
because
i wouldnt be who i am
at this exact moment of realization
that i am finally
patient
thankful
happy

Nor'easter and other stuff

I live in the region that is so hard hit by the Nor'easter that a state of emergency has been issued. The majestic sound of rain hitting the window sill, extra time to do homework, cool looking floods and other sights quickly were replaced by a leak on my wall, annihilation of hometown site, getting stuck with roommates who only converse with each other and endless episodes of The Office.

Suffice to say, I'm getting sick of the time spent in the home and the rain.

It's quite annoying, I could have gone to the mall AND I don't have any champagne. ( I don't want to get drunk, I just like the taste of it!)

I did manage to make a pretty great batch of curry. I cut back on the amount of curry base I used this time, so it wasn't as thick as the previous time I made it. I'm pretty excited about this, since I am pretty much a crappy cook. Oooooh, and along with this I bought some Basmati rice with Naan bread, so it was a mixture of the Orient going on on my dinner plate! [Indian curry is not made with curry powder like the paste I used].

I am very excited for this and GLEE! The best new show on television.

That is all

Getting into the future

Just for my friend who would like to shove me into the working world, I am going to attend an internship panel on Tuesday after my work study job! Then sometime in this month, I will try to attend a panel on non-profit organizations. Do you know what this means loyal readers? That I have SOME motivation towards getting a career which is a step up from having NO motivation. I still do not know what I want to do with my life, go to graduate school perhaps or sonography school. Money used to not bother me but now I want some. If I ever want to be a single mom, I need to support it. LoL! Look here at what I am thinking about doing: http://www.mayo.edu/mshs/sono-career.html . All in all, I want to work with women, in some form and in another, I would like to look at babies while they are in the belly. :-) My hope is that this job will provide me with a 9-5 job, a great paycheck and time to work with a non-profit organization! 

Grrrrr..... you know what this babble means? I'm going to be a student forever!

:-S Sorry friend.

Halloween

Last Halloween, I didn't want to celebrate the festivities. Partly because of the depression that I was going though, the other part is because I just didn't want to.

This year, I would really like to take part in Halloween, however, I dont have any plans. :-(

I'm sad.

Oh well, if worse comes to worse- I will put on my prettiest dress and drink all by myself.

Salve Regina

I LOVE THIS VIDEO!

Since I have been accused of only paying attention to things that make me unhappy (you know who you are!) Here is something that makes me happy:

Beauty and the Beast

I'm listening to Belle from Beauty and the Beast (over Youtube.com) and I could help thinking about Gaston, the hunk who wanted to marry Belle and his plans to marry Belle. Belle is the main character of the story and the most beautiful woman in the village, however, she's rather odd because she likes to read a lot, that and she's the inventor's daughter. Gaston only wanted to marry Belle because she was the most beautiful female in town, thus making her the "best" and since he deserved the "best"- he desired her. Gaston and Belle had nothing in common, Belle also wanted nothing to do with him. Gaston, however, proceeded to ruin Belle's, the Beast's and other's lives for his quest of marrying a beautiful woman he hardly knew.



 When I was younger, the story line was too complex for me to understand it's underlying tones. All I saw was a girl who had man falling over her because she was the most beautiful despite the fact that she was the odd one. (yeah, even at a young age I had issues with the way I look)

Now that I am older, I see the story as glorifying gender and sex roles for those who are young. I'm beginning to realize why I am so cynical at the concept of love, for the simple fact that it gets thrown around a lot- in movies, television, books, school, jobs, etc.

The way I see it, if I'm going to fall in love- even if it's just once or a billion times- why I can't I do it carefully and with consideration. I don't want to fall in love with a fool because he perceives to have the qualities that I think I am looking for. I want to fall in love because this person definitely has the qualities that I am looking for and even if we don't get married, I want to know that in that moment of time my heart and mind worked in conjunction of each other. I have a habit of giving love to everyone, even those who don't deserve it and I just want, for once, to have someone take that love and hold it dear to them. To feel the same way I do, I don't want to fall in love quickly and surely.... I want it to take time and to be mutual.

Back then, Beauty and the Beast was written when looks was more important than the self- marriage was going to be loveless because people didn't last that long and cared more about their gender duty than their feelings or emotions. If Gaston, Belle, and the Beast where characters put into a story today- and not just based on some folk tale- it would have to deal with angst but one thing that would not be left out is that instant attraction at first glance. The first glance that is mentioned in Twighlight, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, etc where the main characters just know in an instance that the person that they are looking at is going to be a great love in their lives.

This instant attraction is what make people in present time so ready to throw the word love around. They equate that feeling of attraction with "love at first glance" without realizing that everything takes work, relationship and time. I don't get how I'm so skewed with my view on love when most people are so willing to fall in and out of love so quickly and to rush into marriage after less than a year of dating. Age has nothing to do with it, people stay serious monogamers at all ages- it takes the smart and educated people (ie, romantics who realize that love takes work to thrive, not just the cohesiveness that most people believe in) to stay together to make love and (maybe) a marriage work.

A lesson that I take away from Beauty and the Beast is that love is gradual and happens when you know the heart of a person first before weighting the physical attraction. This means that a person can love another, even if they are beautiful and the other is ugly or if the other is ugly and they are beautiful or any variation. As long as they know that this person is someone that they have allowed into their hearts, who has allowed them into theirs and know that this is the person that they want to share love and a life with.

(Although I am a cynical, I do see myself as a romantic)



I've done a lot of stupid things in my life without carefully thinking about it. I could be described as being a person without planning, why can't I be cautious in this one aspect of my life. An important aspect that counts and will count. I fall with my heart first and with my brain last, I just want to know what I am getting myself into.
grr....

Media's Effect On Girls: Body Image And Gender Identity | MediaWise.org

Media's Effect On Girls: Body Image And Gender Identity | MediaWise.org

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(I came across this article and decided to share it!)

A couple things

Things that have been bothering me lately, eff you if you think this is complaining- it's my blog, Nachoes!!:

Halloween is coming up!!!! (Should I get a costume?!)

Is it wrong that I would head-butt a child, over the age of 5, if she or he bit me?

I....need....to....clean....my.....
ROOM!

My homework is going to take over my life, oh well atleast I'll be stressed over things that I love!

How does one stop being a jealous person? Cuz I am and I hate it. :-(

and last but not least:

I need to start liking cooking (or else I'm going to starve)!!

__________________________________________________________________________________


Rant: I have nothing against lesbian relationships, I am a gay ally and friend or whatever means "i support gay/lesbian/etc marriages, relationships, and such as." The only thing that I have a problem with is how television shows are more comfortable with showing lesbian relations and when they do, its either a sweeps draw in or a sexual device. Like tv needs women to be more sexual.

For example, Heroes and their lesbian kiss, am I supposed to be more impressed because the other girl is less conventional looking than most girls her age on tv? Grr......

http://www.hulu.com/watch/101544/heroes-claires-kiss-extended-version#s-p1-st-i1

Oooh Oooh!

I took a quiz on the Oprah Show website, it said that I am an artist (ie free spirit/thinker/etc)!
Duh!
I already knew that Oprah, that's what makes it so hard for me to figure out what career path I want to take after graduation....

then again, I never really knew what I wanted to do and I don't think I would want to settle on something easy! Seriously, I have never known what I wanted to do when I grew up- my career path changed with every move I made in life. (Although a part of me still wants to help women deliver babies or work in adoption field)

All I know is that I would rather make a difference, than make a buck!

Although I don't want to be poor, tried that once: it didn't work!


-------

Reference to NieNie Blog:

I heard about "NieNie" on the Oprah website, she is a mom and a blogger who survived a terrible plane crash that left her (and her husband) with burns that covers most of her body (her husband, however, did not have as many burns). NieNie did not let that stop her from being a mother to her four children, blogging, and living a remarkable life. Her blog still shows how upbeat she is about life and being alive!


 Just a small reminder that sometimes, somewhere a person can show you how to march on- even in the worst of times. She is truly a brave spirit.


 (Although a little bit too conservative for my taste but hey, I don't judge!)

The one thing:

Before college, I used to write these short stories about things that upset me and uplifted me throughout my days.

I never told anyone about them and I don't have any of them left, seeing how my room was entirely cleaned out when I left home for college. (....and my mom wonders why I don't feel like her house is my home)

I miss writing but I never have the motivation or time to do anything like it. School sucks a lot of that want and motivation out of me, the constant barrage of papers does get tiring.

I think, I'm going to do that more, instead of just writing blogs.

Where to start?

After college

Is it wrong that my plans for after I graduate from college, have nothing to do with what I want to do? Instead they deal with what I want to learn and the adventures I want to have. I have no plans for a career after college, as I should. I don't have the desire to be set upon the world, only to find a job that may or may not be my definition of what a good life should be.

Instead

I dream of learning how to paint

and to write that one good story

of traveling around the world

I dream of volunteering my time, unpaid

of meeting different people with different ideas, hopes and dreams and allow that to shape who I want to become

of finally learning how to cook and clean, for myself and not to up my prospects of marriage

.... and to allow all these hopes and goals to finally lead me to how I want to spend the rest of my life- especially how I am going to bring home the bacon!

Pictures lingering on my Desktop, no stealing!:

This was taken at the infamous watergate, I just adored this fountain (below):

View outside an A.C. hotel room (below):

The tiger (or lion) compound (below):

Entrance[?] to the zoo (below):

Botanical Gardens water fountain (below):

You can't tell but the friend I went to visit is hiding (below):

Shoes made from items found in nature (below):

These are my favorite pictures, I just love the colors in the pond-fountain thing. I would love to go there again(below and above):

Again, watergate (below):

These are pictures I found on my desktop, I adore them and wanted to share with the world what I saw. These pictures were mostly taken in Washington D.C at either the botanical gardens or at the Smithsonian zoo and as there are no beaches in D.C.,the beach picture was done in Atlantic City.

Oh and if you can't tell, I just L.O.V.E. water fixtures.

Blog Edit

There used to be a blog here, then I decided it was private. You can't read it. If you already did, good for you.

a roommate

Instead of the boring writings about how life has disservice me in some way, I'm going to talk about a girl. Not just any girl but a former roommate of mine.

During the first semester of my sophomore year, I had this roommate I'm going to call Kay, Kay was a bitch. Although she didn't seem like it at first, she actually appeared to be pretty cool- being a waitress at a tavern I wanted to visit.

I messaged her first on facebook during the summer between freshman and sophomore year, she only had kind and intelligent words to say. Her pictures were modelrific which were the first inkling that something was rotten in the state of Denmark- she was too pretty to be nice or smart, at least that's Shar believed.

In Kay's defense, she was driven career and academic wise- Kay wanted to be an officer in the Navy after graduation. Unfortunately, Kay seemed to be raised in a household that allowed her to be shallow and just plain nagging, probably because she was so beautiful. Or maybe she was just born that way, self-centered and mean.

At first, Kay seemed nice. She tried to include us- Shar, the other roommate and I into her daily activities and offered stories about herself. Her boyfriend was also very sweet, he lived above us which was why she chose our apartment to live in. His visits were short but memorable; he was too good to be in a relationship with her. Barely saw him because she went up there to drink with him and his buddies, and no I wasn't invited to partake in said activities Oh well, I found my alcohol else where.

Then came the issue with the thermostat. Our first inkling that the current arrangement was not going to work. Almost every other day, Kay was enraged with the temperature of our small 600 square foot apartment. Sometimes it would be cold then turn freezing. Other times, it would be hotter than Hades. When we had the privilege of living in the room next to her, one of us only changed the temperature on the thermostat once- Shar turned it down because it was too hot to be alive in that apartment. Honestly, the air was awfully sticky that day.

Besides that incident, the only person to touch the thermostat was Kay. I believe she was able to fool herself because she happened to only be in the apartment at times when she was getting ready for something, either going to work or to visit the boyfriend. She hated when anybody touched that thermostat, she even left passive aggressive notes demanding that we left it alone.

The three of us would converse when she was gone: Kay was the only one who touched it. Why didn't she notice that?

Oh well, she seemed to be the only one who cared.

At the end of the semester she moved out, not because of the temperature but the fact that she hated Shar and Shar hated her. There was supposed to be a fight between them, Kay even waited but it never happen.

Shar and I knew one of Kay's new roommates, the sweet girl was a friend of a friend. Too nice of a girl to have to deal with Kay and her paranoia surrounding thermostats and apartment temperature. Sadly for sweet girl, Kay had carried her thermostat issues along with her and always wondered who touched the little device. Carrying on with her new roommates the same way she had carried on with us, except they got to see her more. Kay broke up with her nice boyfriend, so she wasn't drinking with them anymore.

The sweet girl said she was quite bothered by Kay and her thermostat antics, she even had dreams where she would beat Kay down. I guess her new roommates never understood her either.

.

no FYL, mine is doing just fine

Picture of his windmill, here: http://blog.ecuamedios.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/eolico_malawi.jpg

I enjoy reading about peoples' misery on the FML website. I know that's a mean statement but I take solace in the fact that I am not alone on my bad days. It is easier to laugh at someone's misfortune if we do not know them, especially if that person's misfortune is not that big a deal. People like to think their lives suck without realizing how great they have it, I should know this- I worked at a country club this summer. We all, however, like to complain about the little things without realizing that we are very lucky. We have a roof over our heads and most of us have full access to electricity, food, water and clothing that we are more than happy to waste, because we have a lot of it.

What am I writing about is William Kamkwamba, his story brought (happy) tears to my eyes. William is from Malawi, Africa, at age 14 he wanted to go to school but his parents could not afford the $80 a year tuition. This is because Malawi was suffering a devastating drought and William's parents where farmers. William Kamkwamba was not deterred, however, he attended school for as long as he could until administrative authorities kicked him out. After that he decided to educate himself and everyday studied at the small library in his village. There, he found a book that would change his life: a 5th grade textbook.

A chapter in the textbook spoke about windmills and its advantages to use for electricity purposes. He saw windmills as a way to provide his village with electricity and pump water. Instead of just wishing, he made things happen. So he studied an old drawing of a windmill and worked on how he could build one of his own. He drew a plan of his own and set out to build a windmill with tools that he could produce from his environment, such as a bicycle wheel. His result was a homemade windmill, that soon garnered attention from a teacher's organization.

William was invited to a technology convention about windmills and what they could bring to his village. Now he has three windmills at his home and another in a nearby village. His story is remarkable: http://www.mercatornet.com/articles/view/a_malawian_miracle/

sAtUrDaY nIgHt

Its 1020 pm on a Saturday night and I am at home doing my homework.

[There are a billion things wrong with that statement]

1. I'm at home on a Saturday night.
2. I am doing my homework
3. I have no where to go after my homework is finished.

:-(


Isn't that an awful realization?

If you're wondering why I don't call my friends, I did- I called four of them, oddly enough none of them picked up to phone. They don't know each other, so each one of them has to do something separately exciting today.
This sucks because this means that, again, my friends have other things to do tonight (work, curfew, boyfriend, friends, drinking, etc) I would really like to go dancing tonight.

:-(

As I have risen from freshman to why-am-I-still-here I have realized that the parties and invites for outings have ceased. Some of it is due to friends moving, working and others is due to the fact that I don't drink as hard/often as I used to. Friends who drink prefer not to hang out with those who don't, for various reasons. Either because they don't believe that I will have a good time with drunk people when I am sober (which is a lie). Or that the concept of someone who doesn't drink is odd.

Not spending my weekday/weekend drinking is a good thing in my life. I'm not vomiting my nights away and making a complete ass of myself on weeknights while having my friends tell me about what I've done the next morning. What I can't- and don't like to handle- is the fact that people treat me like a leper because I don't drink. It very much sucks.

My roommates act like a couple, they treat me as some person they just live with: not a friend that they have known for half a decade. Friends my age have already graduated and are starting to figure out what they want to do with their lives while working full-time. Other friends live with their parents and have to deal with the whole "they live under their roofs, they do as they say" stuff.

I'm not complaining, I'm just extremely lonely.

I would meet new people, but the only people around me are younger and they annoy the hell out of me. Other people my age, who don't drink, are too busy with grown up jobs and lives to make new friends. In order for me to make new friends, I would have to have time to sacrifice to coordinate schedules and normally, they don't match.

It's all very confusing, but everything is the same. On a Saturday night, I have no where to go and no one to talk to.

Maybe I should take up reading.

I'm not complaining, I'm venting and worried.

Funny Breast Cancer PSA

the unwanted

When listening to people's reactions about health care reform, I tend to think that some people's reactions are just plain selfish and ignorant. Especially the part where people think they are too great to pay "for those who use the emergency room as a physicians office or gangsters, drug dealers, prostitutes who should just be left for dead blah blah" or believe that illegal immigrants are going to receive health care under the 'public option.'

Morons, the majority of these hecklers are probably the same people who believe that Obama was going to take away their guns. Erg

What makes me mad about these comments is that they are coming from the type of people who either never experienced being poor or did have that experience but have forgotten what it felt like to be poor.

I'm not saying that everyone who believes that the 'public option' is wrong hates poor people or that they tote guns.

The two points I want to make are these:

First, many of those who are uninsured work 2 or 3, sometimes 4 jobs and are barely making ends meat. With no extra time or money to spend on regular check ups or to schedule appointments, going to the hospital will always be a last resort. Some critics will say that a person could avoid the cost and time in an emergency room if one had regular check ups, however, the quality and provisions that is sustained by the type of hospital one straddling or at the poverty line could afford rarely has the necessary equipment to find or treat any major injuries.

Second, why is it that the minority is always to represent the majority? People like to talk about those they won't want to insure through this private option; illegal immigrants, prostitutes, drug dealers, gangsters, etc forget that the majority are often time full time working mothers, sick babies, sick children, sick adults who can't afford proper medical care, or the homeless (who are more likely the mentally ill or veterans). You know what type of people I don't want to finance? The Bernie Matloffs, the guys at Enron and everyone else who feeds on the suffering and financial instability of the world. Wait, aren't those people rich- as in so rich that they spend more money in a week that I would ever make in the span of my life time.

I just asking that people look and research before they air their opinions. Erk

HappyHappyJoyJoy

Despite what this blog may show, I am actually quite in a happy place.

I'm not saying that this is the happiest that I have ever been or that I am waiting for something to happen that will make me unhappy. But I am in a content place in my life where I would like for things to stay the same.

I feel strong enough to handle things but not at a place yet where I could handle the disastrous.

This is normally the part in my life where things go wrong, usually means that I will lose people in my life in the sense that they will not be there, not for me but just distant.

I hate when friends become distant and I wish that was okay.

[end of the emo part]

I had a dream last night, where my sugar glider Meiko was still alive but my family appeared as they currently are. She kept getting away from me, first she hid in the oven and I had to get her out of there in time before she was cooked [that imagery is in part to a graphic fml about a rabbit]. Then I went to open the door and a big gust of wind picked her up and she started to glide away from me. She would make these swoops at me and I couldn't catch her because it was too high, it took my brother to catch her.

Then I woke up.

The dream bothered me so much at 5am, that I couldn't sleep until 7am because it jolted me so much. I couldn't help but wonder what the dream meant.

What I hope it didn't mean was that a friend that I have already lost is going to slip away, no matter how much I like to think that I have him/her again. If that's true, I hope that means that it would be someone I used to care about and not someone I currently care about.

Because that would suck.

Re-new Prom

I didn't go to my prom in high school, its not that I didn't want to be girley with the makeup, dresses or date. I just didn't see myself with classmates I had no connection with, dancing the night away. I do remember thinking that I had missed something special the next day by not going. Then I remembered myself in the 5th grade, who told herself that she wasn't going to something such as that. It wasn't fate that kept me from going, however, it was just choice.

So I have decided that I am going to find something similar around here and go to that. I am going to buy a nice dress and find me a date (or not, who cares) and go. There have been some options and opportunities that have shown themselves in the past around valentines day. Although, I don't know if I want this to coincide with such a holiday. Its going to take sometime and I don't know if Im going to do it.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........................

Review: Very Young Girls

Attention anyone who has ever had a bad opinion of prostitutes and "the Life." "The Life," I have learned from this movie is the name given to the realm of the prostitute, her pimp and the johns. You need to watch the movie "Very Young Girls," a movie that will, hopefully, change your rather insensitive view of prostitutes.

"Very Young Girls" is a documentary about trying to rehabilitate young prostitutes out of 'the life' and the trials to remove her from said world. The movie states that most prostitutes enter their profession at age 13-14 years old, which also is the average age for most females who have to endure this type of lifestyle. "Very Young Girls" introduces the organization "GEMS," Girls Educational and Mentoring Services which is homed in New York City, ran by a former prostitute (?)named Rachael whose goal is to help young girls continue their lives separated and away from prostitution and other forms of sexual exploitation. She tries to instill self-esteem and work skills into the young girls but many seem to fall back into their pimps' lives.

The removal of girls from the strong arm of their pimps is not an easy task. Most of these girls feel a strong attachment to their pimps, either as a loving or parental force. This may be hard to believe but living the life is sometimes an easy trade for love and belonging. Something that most of these girls do not receive from their own homes or parents. Many of the girls featured in this movie offer a narration of how they met and developed their relationship with their pimps which led them to become prostitutes.

This story is rather sad and tugs at the heartstrings, as awfully cliche as that sounds. Another striking part of this documentary of the inclusion of home videos featuring a snippet of what may happen in form of manipulation and coercion between a pimp and his "hoe." These tapes were collected as evidence against two pimps, made by the pimps themselves.

It's a powerful film and I believe that everyone who cares about children and those who don't should watch it!

adventures of flasheshercoochie woman

Oh,oh!

Today, I decided to take a change from my normal routine and wear a dress. My dress was not too short and very modest, however, I did something that made the dress and my look very immodest.

I decided to ride a bike, not a wise choice for a rainy day and for a girl who decides to wear barely-there underwear. I hope that the picture that I am painting is one where I am wearing a dress with the skirt part rising up my thigh and creating a funnel that showed off my underwear. This happened at every moment I pedaled or got onto the bike.

I know I flashed others, I could see it n their faces. Those wide eyed looks of surprise that screamed "Oh my god, oh no she didn't!" and "Is that really her underwear that I am seeing?!"

So if you were at my college today and you saw a girl with an uncomfortable look on her face that had a sorry expression, she apologizes.

She really, really did not mean to flash you and the tens of others who may require counseling to recover from the trauma of seeing my undies!

Sorry. Sorry.

.... and they lived Happily Ever After

[radio edit] Stay tuned for a different blog.

Question: Have you noticed a theme behind the whole happily ever after fairy tale?
She always gets the guy, after only knowing him for a while.

This is a poor example for little kids who eat this thing up.

Relationships and marriage should take more effort, nothing goes easily in life. Including love.

TMI:Conversation at the OB/GYN

I got a pap smear today. I am not ashamed to admit that because I believe that all females over the age of 18 (before that if you become sexually active early).

RN: I am about to check your insides.
(Okay, I forgot what she exactly said but she basically was going to stick a glove covered finger in my vagina)
Me: Do you have KY on your finger?
RN: Yes, I have KY all over it.

LoL. Doesn't that read like the bad script of an equally bad porno?

once upon a time.

1. List 20 things you want to say to 20 different people but you know you never will.
2. Don't say who they are.
3. Feel free to comment, but don't confirm or answer anything.
4. Never discuss it again.



1. I wish I were a better person to you and someone you can be proud of in every way. Please ignore my faults and mistakes, I make no excuses for myself but to say that I am sorry for making you see me that way. I love you so much that it hurts my heart that you live so far away from me. Sometimes I wish it was still you and I against the world because for as badly as things were, you were my one constant in my world. I love you and I hope you love me too.

2. Sometimes I blame you for the way I feel about men and love and other times I just want to hear your voice. My feelings for you are highly conflicted but Ill always be here for you. That's because I became a better person than what you would have wanted me to become. I don't believe in revenge and hatred like you do, because if that was the case.... you wouldn't be in my life.

3. I know we fight, I just hope you are proud of me. I keep things from you for a good reason because releasing those secrets would break your heart. Just know that I am more like you than you will ever know. My spirit, my being, my strength and my heart comes from you. I hope you know that everytime it seems like I dont like you.

4. I wish you knew who you are and that you could be a better person. But you don't, so you're not. I used to think I cared greatly about you but thats not the case anymore. Thanks for showing me that I shouldn't let feelings cloud my judgement about people. That's the one fucked up thing I have taken away from what ever that was.

5. I have watched you grow into a fine young woman and I hope you a happy life. I just hope that you don't sacrifice your self-worth for that thing called love. If you could ever take anything from me its this: "When it comes to men, watch what they do. Not what they say." and "That nothing, not even love, is worth your self worth." Oh an be patient with her, although she may act self-centered its the best she can do and all she knows.

6. I wish I was a better friend to you because if I was, maybe you wouldn't have just casted me aside for some guy. Its whatever, because I'm here for you when you need me.

7. I wish you lived closer to me, your guidance reminds me that what I am going through is normal. I love you and thank you for everything that you have done for us!

8. I can't believe that I was ever nice to you. I hope we never talk to each other again because you aren't worth the carbon monoxide it takes to tell you to go away. If I hated people, you would be the first on my list. You have no idea how badly your manipulations cost me but I am slowly getting my life back. I wish nothing bad on you, I just hope that you can GO AWAY and NEVER COME BACK! This is one thing I hope you read and understand.

9. I love you as a professor, you make going to class so much easier and I love your hippy-dippy style of teaching! I wish there was a professor like you in every department, maybe students would like their college more! :-)

10. I hope you know that you are so much better and have so much more worth than what you are showing. That is why everyone is mad at you all the time, its just that the people there dont know how to encourage others. I hope you make it in this world because I see and know that you can. IF YOU WEREN'T SO LAZY! GET OFF YOUR ASS!

11. Besides my brother, you are the only other person I have known since birth. I have watched you grow despite your disability. Parts of me wishes that you were normal but other parts of me just loves you the way you are! I hope your future is amazing, and if it isn't you'll always have a place in my home!

12. I wish you could have told me how much I hurt you that one moment, maybe we would have stayed friends. In any case, I hope that what you want may not be your destiny. If it is, then you will have to work extra hard to get it! Remember, brick walls are there for you to knock them down if what you really-really want is behind them.

13. For as many times I call you an asshole, you are not. I'm just going to leave it at that

14. "Thanks for being a friend, travel down the road and back again, your heart is true your a pal and a confidant and if you threw a party invited everyone one you knew. you would see the biggest gift would be from me and the card attached would say: thank you for being a friend." I loved that I had you in my life, you saved me from overall depression in the short time that we were close friends. I'm soooo glad that we reconnected! I just hope that line never gets cut!

15. You and I are so much a like that it blows my mind. I'm so glad that we met and I think of you as my good friend to! Thanks for making the effort and inviting me out! I cherish my time with you! You have no idea what you have brought to my life.

16. I wish you realize that your self worth isn't equated by the amount of men who think that you are beautiful, want to sleep with you or buy want to buy you things. You have three people in your life who want you in theirs, you just have done them a disservice by not being there. I wish you could cut out everything else and just become a strong role model for them. They need it! I hope you realize that you are very lucky for the support system you have in your life. You need them more than they need you.

17. You stole my innocence and I hate you for that. You told me you loved me and now I don't know what that means. I'm all kinds of fucked up because of you. I hope karma got you because if it hasn't, it will.

18. What can I say? I thought we were friends but obviously you don't know what that means. I wish you the best and hope that one day you finally get it, that you are not the cat's meow. Other than that, I hope you get over him and learn to treat people better. If you don't, all those talents, charm, and smarts you think you have will not help you when you become exactly like your mother. (which is not a compliment)

19. I wish I knew you better or the fact that you were never sick! You seemed like an amazing woman and I am happy to carry your name! Please look after me, because I now think of you as a guardian angel!

20. ...last but not least: you. I know you were reading this trying to figure out which one you where so I left you as the last just to annoy you. I hate that you think that you are not all that and a bag of chips, because you are an amazing person with an amazing heart. You allow me to open myself up to you without being judging or mocking and I thank you for that. I thank you for that because that never happens for me. I hope you and I are friends for a long time. I also hope that knowing me has been as eye-opening as it has been for me. I know I annoy you and hope you realize its just because I dont have any friend who treats me as well as you do and I dont want that to go away. That is all.

how I,sometimes, wish I felt about love

Okay, I'll admit it. Country music has the best love songs. (songs starts at 0:53)

How I feel about love

In reality, I really don't need all that chivalry and romantic B.S. (although its very much appreciated and welcomed) but in the long run, elephant has it right. :-)

Last year

Around this time, last year my college suffered the lost of a couple of its students. One girl was a freshman, a victim of a car accident and another was a fighter of cystic fibrosis (she happen to be in a class that I was taking). Even though I did not know these two girls extremely well or at all, I still mourned them. It touched me greatly because they were a member of my collegiate community and their causes of death are something that could affect me on a personal level.

The freshman died doing something that friends and I have done plenty of times, on her way home from some late night adventure when her car overturned. The other girl suffered from an ailment that doesn't have a long life expectancy, and ailment that my own [distanced] cousin suffered from. These girls have friends who miss them, family who anguished over their loss and their people who could have gained from knowing them but never got to know them.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't as sensitive as I am and other times I am happy for it. I see all human life as a gift, and when one is taken for whatever reason.... I feel that they should be mourned, whether or not I knew them. Not every death I read about effects me to the point of tears but many do, especially when I read personal accounts from family and friends.

Ramblings.

ideal body weight

I see myself as being overweight.

It's hard not to, when I look into the mirror all I see is an array of flub, tub and extra skin. Basically, it grosses me out to look at my naked body. I would like to live in a world where I can owe all my curves and "meat on my bone" to natural beauty. To just be happy with the card I've been dealt with by the genetics pool. Life is odd in someways, however, girls whose slim, athletic bodies I admire, admire mine for its curves. I want to say that I don't wish for the stick figure look but I'm starting to realize that I may never be happy with my body.

I think I'm fat when I've gotten skinny,
I think I'm fat when I'm average size and
I think I'm fat when I've just gained a few pounds.

I wonder when I'm going to actually be happy with my body. I hope that I get the courage to actually believe that the ideal body size starts with the mind first, then with the body.

I wish that I get the courage to not be afraid of food.
I wish that I get the courage to love my curves.
I wish that I get the courage to realize that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

In the end, I hope that I just end up being healthy which ever way that it takes my body. Being a woman has its drawbacks in the body department, sadly, we are expected to be acceptably slender (ie, athletic but not too athletic, small but not 'bony') but our bodies are made to stretch and change. I hope that there is one day where I start to like my body and not rely on a guy to tell me it's beautiful. This is because, at the end of the day..... I have to be the one who sees myself naked.

Inspirational Speech by Randy Pausch, shortened on Oprah!

egalitarian like.

my friend read the blog that I written before this one, apparently it was harsh. In my defense, at 200a in the morning I am always harsh. His defense is that females do have a secret motive when it comes to guys, its not a lie.

Well, guys have one too so why can't women?

I have noticed that at my age (college aged or college graduates) that women and men have two separate goals when it comes to accomplishing these "hidden agendas."

Women will manipulate their ways into wallets while men will manipulate their ways into a woman's vagina.

[Yeah I said it]

This isn't a blog about how or why, however, this is more a blog about "which" agenda is more dangerous? Yes, the sex vs. money conversation. Which is more dangerous?
Which pisses people off more when they find out they have been used?
etc....

The answer? It is all in the eye of the beholder and you have to ask yourself this: who's getting fucked over? I can say that when you're the one who is being used for sex, you would rather have been used for money and vice versa.

Money and sex can both be emotionally charged, if you allow it. For example, if you lend money to a close friend who you thought was going to repay you and they didn't. It hurts. If a person has sex with you under false pretense and then you find out the truth, that also hurts too. Being used is being used, no matter what its for.

On the collegiate level the stories could go like this:
Guy is dating girl, spends money on her and then finds out that's all she's using him for. Sucks for him.
On the flip side, girl is dating guy who is very interested for sex. Girl overhears that sex is all he wants. Sucks for her too.

Hate it all you want, men and women may have secret agendas but if its sex or money they are after, it definitely hurts the same.

why?

It's 2:10am and I am awake, I wanted to go asleep 15 minutes ago but 2 minutes before that... I found this article. I just HAD to comment:

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/relationship-issues/articles/bad-date-bad-hook-up?link=rel&dom=yah_life&src=syn&con=blog&mag=mar&ha=1

[The gist, guy and girl hook up after a drunk night at a party. Seen from both sides, before the hook-up and after]

Why do guys sometimes think that girls have an secret motive (I know its a generalization but its 215a and I don't feeeeeeeeeeeel like making this egalitarian!) when it comes to females? Or that they like to think that we (women) are more emotionally involved than we actually are? SERIOUSLY?! Or that we are more involved than they are, when really.... its the same. Get over the ego and fess up to a few things:

1) The blame is on both sides.
2) Feelings are mutual
3) Grow up.
and 4) Stop pulling that victim crap when it comes to mistakes like the one listed above, unless further evidence shows the contrary (the article admits a silenced mutual agreement) the act was wanted on both sides.

ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrr..... the article pissed me off because the male (while drunk) rationalized that he wanted sex or a gift for his b-day from the woman and 'sensing' that she wanted some too dove in. The next morning he got scared because he liked some other girl and then tried to fool himself into thinking she wanted more. When in actuality it was just humorless talk fueled by awkwardness and a hope to remain friends.

Moral of my blog: Sometimes, as people, we need to stop looking for that hidden meaning in conversations or acts because in reality they can just be random.



In other news: Flash Mob on Oprah!