I've been told....

I think too much. 

I think about my life.

         The past.

         The present.

         and future. 

I think about the way I look. 

         If that outfit made me look frumpy. 

         Or fat. 

         Or pretty.

I think about all the decisions I have made.

         The good ones. 

         and the ones I have regretted. 

I think about the consequences of my actions.

         The ones I deserved. 

         The ones I knew would happen.

I think about the way I think.

          Like, why do I always expect the worst. 

I think about my borderline OCD.

          Do I really believe my routines work? 

I think about the fact that I haven't been on a date in 4 years. 

         Does that mean that no one will ever want to be with me? 

         Or that I will have to sign up for a dating service. 

         Am I actually attractive? 

I think about the guys that have hurt me. 

        Why did they believe that it was a good thing to do. 

         and if I will ever trust them again. 

and above all......

I think about why I am not a better person.

         A better sister. 

        A better daughter.

        A  better friend. 

        A better stranger.

        A better student. 

        A better citizen.

        A better worker. 

       etc. 

Overall.... I just think. Way too much.

Help. //

I'm getting to the point where my brain feels rested and the storm as subsided for the moment. The motivation for school is still not there and maybe with some additional tools I will be just fine.

:-)

new philosophy on trust

I've decided that I don't trust nice people anymore. (Nice people actually make me uneasy) I've come to the realization that the type of person that I trust now, is the 'real' type. The type of person who is honest for the sake of being honest.  

• Nice people know how to manipulate a situation or person in order for events to work in their favor. 
• A 'real' person lets you know who they are and what they want without warrent or consequence. (Those are the people who deserve trust because at first glance, they let you know whether or not they are worthy of it. )

As opposed to nice people who are not the same on the inside as they are on the outside. Who allow the glit and glamour of the plastic mask they call a personality to distract from the fact that they are not worth the trust you want to give them. 

Window.

People see me as an open person and I am, to an extent. I can talk to one a mile a minute about details in my life you never cared to know. Some people say that I lack that social filter and I agree.I hardly give a crap about my actions in public, unless I force myself to. What most people don't realize is that I am a hider. I am not as upfront as I seem. I hide my true emotions from everyone and wrap them up in a person who is so "out there" in order to distract you from the real words of my soul. (Corny, right?) If you look hard enough, you'll see someone who is scared of themselves most of the time. (Scared of what exactly? Who really knows.) One who gets upset at the minor things yet is numb to the major. 

An enigma wrapped in a tootsie roll, wrapped in cotton candy, etc 

. . . . . . .TBC. . . . . . . .

!

I wish I wasn't so self-aware. Sometimes I wish I could just go along with the show and live in this quiet little bubble, people like that seem so assured. They know that everything they believe in is right and that life only comes in to shades. I wish I had that. 

Then I realize that I like me the way I am and I stop wishing about things that have stupid consequences. 

:-) 

Feelings + Effort = No Pay-Off.

I have this issue with putting more emotion in a given a relationship than a person gives back to me. This isn't just with guys: friends and family too.  I have a lot to give and I never do anything (that has to deal with emotion and helpfullness) half-assed. I learned a long time ago that I can't depend on people and have to rely on myself. It's just hurts when I look around and people have a support system of those who don't tell them that they are weak, whiney or stupid. 

I know that being an adult means that a person should be able to help themselves, sadly, I'm not superman. I'm just not able to do everything myself. The lonely part is realizing that all those people that I help are not available to help me out. Like I've said, time and time again.... I do good things for the sake of doing good things, its just that in times of need: I would like to have someone looking out for me (not because it is their job or degree but because of the fact that they are people in my life who are there and want to help me). 

I will admit that there are times in my life where I feel as if my problems are too out there to help or that I am too proud to accept help or, the worst part, is that no one besides me can help. :-9 

Oh well. 

I wish this were true

Promises. Promises.

Do people change?
Experience tells me "no."
My heart says "I hope so."

If I am going to be on this quest for change, I need to believe that people can. I am curious to know why most people fail at doing it and how those few who do succeed. I have this fear that this isn't going to work. That I will continue being the person I don't want to be and that I it was who I was always meant to be. This quest for change is probably why I'm sadder than I allow others to see.... because I'm scared that nothing is going to work and it will all end up the same.

Hurt.

I consider myself a non-judgemental person. I believe that when a person makes a mistake, that they are their own worst critic. It is my duty as a friend or confidant to give advice and to share my peace. I may not judge but I do speak my mind. 

That being said. I have a friend who I spent the last 4 years of my life sharing my mistakes and feeling with, in the way that most friends do. This friendship is faultering. I found out through another friend that this person has used what I've said to bad mouth and develop a low opinion of me. This is not the reason for the faultering friendship, this is just another reason that I will have to NOT mend the relationship. 

)-:

Stalker Feed

Read the bottom one first, then the top part.

One of the creepiest/best things about facebook is the stalker-feed, especially the part where you can see the links that others have posted to someone elses wall. This is only great if someone posts something you wanna read.

Not if you wanna be a stalker and find out what people are talking about.

LoL..... people have gotten into WAY too much trouble because another person has spied on a facebook conversation that wasn't meant for them to read.

My friend posted the picture, isn't it awesome?

From the Pilot

.... interesting idea about universal healthcare located : here 

My question is, why are we a nation who has turned the health of its nation into a business. We have become a nation of people who are so concerned with "mine" that we forget that there are times that we need to step back and look at the whole picture. Healthcare for all isn't a cry for socialism people, its a belief that every person is created equal and deserve an equal chance at living a healthy lifestyle.

We are one nation under "God" (or unity, or universal right, etc) we should act like one. No person is better or worst than the next and we all deserve equality when it comes to health, whether you are the cashier at McDonalds, the CEO of Nike or the bum on MLK Blvd.

You can call me a socialist, I just call myself a person a person of the universe.

:-)