here we go again.

Slowly and surely, I'm moving along. I hate that its taking this long for me to realize things about myself.

For instance...

I thought that there would be a time where I could be friends with him again. Where I would want to. I have come to the realization that idea is not a truth, there is no more room in my life for him anymore. Our time as friends plus some has long past and I am at peace with this truth. This is a funny thing because last year, all I ever wanted to do was talk to him, to understand why he was angry at me for something that I felt was not my fault. A year later, not talking to him is the best thing for me. I know it seems lame that I am still stuck in a small funk, but I was friends with this guy for over 2 years and I could not imagine myself getting over something in a matter of just a few weeks.

At the moment, at 3:26am, I just feel more comfortable to be myself and I am happier for it than I was a year ago.

I just wish that my heart was not as cold to men as it is.

(Don't look back, don't ever look back.)

Taylor Lautner

Taylor Lautner is the guy that plays the werewolf named Jacob in The Twilight Series and I just remembered that he is 18 years old. 

18 years old. 

That means that one year ago from today, I was lusting over a 17 year old. Something has to be illegal about that but, thankfully, its not. (hopefully) 

"...with all this pain in my chest, I still wish you the best with a f**k you...."

Cee Lo Green: "Fuck You" hits the spot.

I would post the youtube video but all that cutting and pasting hurts my head.

In other news, I'm reverting to my old ways. Sort of. I don't know. I'm all conflicted, I don't know if I want a boyfriend or other things. I have never really had a boyfriend for a substantial amount of time, only lovers for the past six years. I do not regret anything I have ever done with my life, its just that this constant marry-go-round of men in my life has left me with a sense of confusion and feeling of suspicion towards all men that have an attraction towards me. This suspicion leaves me to not expect much from men. :-)

My Cousin (Ate') Cris is the best...

Me: "A couple of weeks ago I had a false positive pregnancy test. I started panicking because I would have been 4 and a half months pregnant.  I was freaking out but then I took another 2 and they came out negative."
Her: "It's okay if you were pregnant, you and the baby could have lived here in my house. I would have taken care of you both. "

I'm back

Here I am, stuck at that place.

 The same place I was before that fateful Friday night when he sent me text messages and called my best friend, confessing that he still has/had feelings for me.

You know, that place where I *think* I can let go.

Where everything will be back to normal.

As.long.as.hes.not.there.

Fear and Insanity

Who went to the Colbert and Stewart rally?

This girl.

Who didn't get to hear anything they said?

This girl

Who spent $13 on food that would have cost $5 on a regular Saturday?

This girl

Who had an awesome time and took pictures with people dressed in ridiculous costumes?

It was ME!

                                                               The Metro was crowded!

                                                                      Hear that MOTHER?!

                                                      I just LOVE the Washington Monument!

read about it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rally_to_Restore_Sanity_and/or_Fear#Crowd_size

sara bareilles, get out of my mind.

I can't get over this song. I heard it 2 days ago and it felt autobiographical, saying words I have been thinking for the past couple of years. Mind you, this is one part of the failed relationship where I put an equal amount of blame on myself for allowing this unhealthy aspect to continue. For some reason, hearing those words allowed me to feel care for, however, it did not keep the back of my mind stringing together angry thoughts that sounded much like the lyrics of this song.


p.s. my period is back. i guess with no reason other than blah, blah, blah to take birth control I forget, which then causes my period. Ugh. I am so bloated that if you put me into water, I'd come out floating without even trying.

Towards Letting Go: Realizing its Not My Fault.

He said to me once, that I make men seem like assholes when they hurt my feelings.

True.

THE DIFFERENCE between  him and the other guys is that three months later, I don't think they are still assholes.

(yes, this is me STILL thinking he's an asshole.)

and I sorta hate him.

Oh world. Oh Dear World.

There are days when I wish that the world would just move in my favor. Eck,

OR maybe I need to find men without ex-girlfriend problems or reject the ones with ex-girlfriend problems.

Ugh, effing idiots tend to rotate around me and I tend to find myself heavily attracted to them.

I don't know why.


But I will not cry.



:-)

Spending a day with a crazy pup

This is Felix. 

Felix is my friends' dog that I volunteered to take care of while my friends were at an amusement park all day. (yes, I was invited to go with. no, i couldn't afford the visit to the amusement park.)

If Felix was a human, he'd be a 9 year old with ADHD. I swear it. 

Felix had the nastiest poop today due to consuming chocolate chip oatmeal cookies last night. It was sooooooo gross. I wanted to vomit. 

Felix barks at everything, everyone walking by and the dogs on the TV. 

He likes to sniff your privates and butt at any given moment. It's highly uncomfortable. 

...... you see that face, right? Its so hard to stay mad at a face like that. 

Felix likes to lick the crap out of your face, just because you taste good and on some level he knows you like it! 

Freudian Slip: Grocery Store

Check-Out Guy: How are you doing today mam? 


Me: You know, the usual; tired, cranky, hore-hungry. 




I'll let you guess what the I was beginning to say, a word that starts with "hore." 

After This, I'm going to make speghetti

I'm literally typing naked, covered by a blanket and in my living room. Any second my roommate could potentially walk in on me in this state and I couldn't care less. I feel beautiful and splendid. I have no idea how that happened, many years ago the thought of someone catching me in a naked state would have mortified me. Which is pretty ironic because many years ago, I was ten pounds lighter than I am now and so super conscious about my body. I don't think my new confidence came from a man or that man (you remember, the one I have been ranting about for the last couple of months) but with age and the knowledge that I have a great body. Mind you, all the squishy and cellulite I could do without but I have yet to meet any fitness enthusiast who can boast more body love than me.

I could work out more. :-)

Welcome all to my first happy post in a long time.

Add On: Move Along, Move Along

I decided today that I am going to be healthy and just move along.

Not move on OR let it go because it takes me a long time to get over things but move along, like that song by All American Rejects.

I'm still going to be angry but no longer spiteful.
I'm still going to be sad but no longer hopeless.
I'm just going to be healthy and allow myself to be happy and not get stuck.


This is a dance I have done a million times before, I know all the steps, the words to the song but I'm going to concentrate on the steps and not to the beat. I know how it ends, I know how to make it easier and better, so in the end I am marvelous.

In other words, I'm taking the steps forward to being happy and move into a state of remember. I am going to remember how I was strong, I was angry, I was sad but I am going to do it from a state of happiness.

In the end, it'll end up like the others. I'll be completely clean on the other side and sated, instead in this state of mind that wishes that I never took that chance and gave a cute boy my number in the computer lab.

Not because I wish I never knew him BUT because I wish I wouldn't be stuck in this state of regret, self-doubt and ugliness.

......

Forget Buddha, My Brother is Better.

My baby brother (he's 22 and I'm 24 1/2) came to visit the family this weekend.
It was incredibly enlightening.
He told me not to worry about things that I can not control, like a stupid driver who can't change lanes correctly.

...in the same way that I shouldn't worry about a overgrown child/jerk who wants the whole truth but doesn't know the first thing about being truthful. 

It was the exact thing that I needed to hear from a person, the type of person that I would listen to and not internally fight with excuses on how I'm right and that person is wrong.

My baby brother is the only person who can give me advice that I will listen to without doubt or worry; always has been and always will. I know that its because of our unspoken bond, we grew up as our own mother and father/ brother and sister, raising each other and giving unsolicited advice when needed.

Did I mention that he's my most favorite person in the whole wide world?!
He's kind of  awesome .

He also thinks I should move out of my city because he finds it ghetto and unsafe.

He says these things because he loves me.

I am also pretty sure that his level of honesty is the standard that I hold all men to. A standard they can not adhere because they are just not that great.


..... sorry.

Switch Sides.

Wanna know who I think has the right idea in the animal kingdom?

The female praying mantis because, you know, she eats the guys head off AFTER she mates with him. You know, purely for fertilization reasons and not because he's an asshole.

Oh well.

I wonder what I'll have to do to become a praying mantis in my next life.

its funny, this feeling i have inside me.

at the moment, im listening to the colbie caillat song "i never told you" i posted in the last blog. its the song that i have chosen, at the moment, to play when im having a difficult time with missing him. i say at the moment because throughout the summer, different songs have conveyed what i was feeling towards him.  first, that all american rejects song "gives you hell," then after a 1am text message it was that lady antebellum song "need you now," finally, before "i never told you" it was eminem & rhiannon's song "love the way you lie." hopefully, with that track list, you can see the emotions i have been swimming through this past month. part angry, bitter, longing,  sad, relieved, etc. im not saying its the entire song that moves me to feel a connection but the hooks and chorus line that will convey what im feeling at the moment. or just moments that i find relevant, ie:

aar: " and truth be told i miss you, and truth be told im lying... when you see my face i hope it gives you hell..."
lady antebellum: "....and i wonder if i ever cross your mind.... its a quarter after one and im all alone and i need you now... i said i wouldn't call but i lost all control..."

(you get the picture right?)

i know, i know. im looking too deep into my emotions to feel for a friendship that ended because of the both of us. i get it, i really do.

but there are times where i wonder if a mistake was made, im just trying to figure out where. i mean, i know that there are actions that i would take back if i could but at the same time i regret nothing. not even the parts that i did wrong or how i reacted to what he did wrong. i just can't help but wonder about this whole situation... different scenarios running circles around my brain, so much so that it hurts. I don't know if i would have wanted it any other way and at the same time, i am actually glad that i can't change a thing.

there are days when i fantasize about drinking at a coffee shop and just talking with him. no cuddling, no kissing, no physical contact, just the calming effects of a good conversation and the feeling of friendship that comes with it. sometimes it helps keep the tears at bay.

Wish. Wish. Wish. Ponder.

I wish someone would have explained to me a long time ago that ending a friendship on bad terms is as bad as breaking up with someone. Coming from a girl who has ended more friendships than having been in relationships with a significant other, I can tell you that heart ache is heart ache, all that matters is whether or not you are close to a person.

When the friendship you just ended straddled the line between romance and deep friendship, the type of hurt you experience just travels all over. The type of hurt starts in your heart, floods the brain, tickles your toes then tares through your soul in only a matter of seconds. Everything hurts. Everything makes you want to vomit. You want the time to stop what it's doing, just so you can take a breather and fully comprehend what is actually going on in your body.

If you read this and try to fool me into thinking that I was in love, please stop reading now. Actually, stop reading now and forget everything that you just read. You may laugh at my silliness, but seriously, back.that.train. up. and shut the fuck up. You have no idea what I am trying to convey and I need you take your false intelligence else where. Preferably away from my blog. 

I wasn't, I know I wasn't.

I refuse to let someone have that power over me. I actually do not think that I believe in romantic love or the type of love that swallows you whole and spits you out a new clean person.  I only believe in intense infatuation with another person, the type of emotion that when it swallows you whole, it spits you out in shards with some glass mixed in for good measure.

That feeling, I have felt over and over again, just on different levels with different men. All unworthy of any romantic love I could have spit out if I actually believed in the concept.

aftermath

Just like that, when I thought the world had nothing else to offer me when it came to my own self pity, it throws me for a loop with just one simple text message. (or two)

.... and just like that, I am a crying blubbery mess. [thanks for saving me from myself Chris-Chris!]

Well, only for a little while. Then we got to texting......

Which I hate because, honestly, I don't consider them real conversation. Just a dribble of words put together that are supposed to say what is on your mind, NOT what you are feeling. (same goes for instant messaging) 

......and we hashed something things out. I got some things off my chest and he let me know that he did not intend to hurt my feelings. I let him know that while I am still not as hurt as before, I am still angry AND I don't want to be around him. The reasoning behind that realization is that I am pretty sure I won't be able to handle my temper around him. I think I might try to punch him in the face for putting me through so much pain. I don't need that on my criminal record. 


The resolution was this: There's no bad blood between us. I need time for more healing. I can not be around him. (as stated before)

This entire "conversation" comes as a surprise to me since I have spent many traffic jams reexamining exactly what went wrong in our relationship. The fact that there are many reasons as to why it went wrong, gave affirmation that whatever emotional roller coaster I am going through is for a purpose.

One main problem, I realized recently was the level of co-dependent behavior on my end that went on for the past 2 years. I relied on him to dictate who I was friends with, what friends I hung out with, to tell me when I was acting below my abilities, and on and on. Mind you, I fought him on every level but I was there to eat all those words up. I relied on his opinions to validate that someone care about me, that I was more than some girl who just did good things in bed. I did what I could to make myself worthy of him caring for me, even though his words made me feel inadequate.

I gave him all of me and he only gave me some of me. I stopped doing things that made him upset. I fought his opinions every step of the way, instead of telling him to mind his own business.

I basically did what I could to make him think I was to be taken care of and he was the only one who could care for me.

I shared my deepest darkest pain in hopes he would understand.






I wanted him to think that I was special and lovely and beautiful because I have only felt unspecial, unlovely and unbeautiful for most of my life.

Instead, we both made something that could have been a great friendship into a big mess.

I can't help but wonder what would have changed the outcome of our friendship/whatever the fuck it was.

Until next time. ce' le' vie



This is the song that makes me think of him :

One Month Later

.... and just like that, I am almost 100% over all that bullshit. 

Yup, almost 100%, because a full, blown "I don't give a flying fuck about that asshole" this soon would mean that I didn't care (which I do) and that he doesn't still affect me (which he does). 

So here I am.  Enjoying my life. Making all my own rules, doing my own thing and not feeling like a 3:30a text conversation with an old friend is in some way a terrible betrayal. 

It's odd being the queen of your own universe, having to deal with everything and your own problems within your own minds. 

Then again, in the words of my beloved friend Chris, "I'm tired of those guys making you feel like you are doing something wrong when you're not!" 

 

The Happening

It's happening, slowly yet surely.
I am starting to get over the one who hurt my heart, this getting over a guy thing moving at a slow pace but the best part is that its actually happening.
This is not something that isn't happening and I'm saying is, I'm actually getting over the sumofabitch. I think its me becoming a grown-up and being compliant with the notion  that I could never had gotten something that would never belong to me. The one good thing he did was explain to me in the beginning that I would never be his and he would never be mine. My problem through out this whole "thing" was that I left myself too available with the hope-hope that one day he'd want me in some special way. We both saw this, yet, for some reason we both let him play me like a fiddle... casually tossed to the side. If we are going to overplay this fiddle analogy, it would be safe to say that he was the fiddle player and I was his prized possession, no one could play me but he could play other fiddles. I was just something that was all his and he wasn't all mine. This manipulation of my affection was something that could be blamed on the both of us, we BOTH let my emotions get too far; to the point that when he left me I would be a terrible wreck which I was/still am from time to time. I think its safe to say that both of us actually do have some strong feelings for each other, all though we never talk anymore, that leave us longing for one another's companionship whether it be platonic or romantic. Its the pull towards one another that left our last few moments of friendship to be filled with confusing bittersweet affection- physical and emotional. My one and only regret is how wrong everything turned out to be in the end: my anger towards his deception and disrespect towards me, him trying so hard to not be the bad guy, me feeling so vulnerable and scared to the point where I was begging him to not leave me. Everything just turned into this over dramatic flub that it exposed how over the two of us needed to become, the pain over the fact that our friendship would never blossom into anything more than what it had become just turned into anger, tears, regret, sorrow and remorse on both our parts. I wish I could say that this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do- getting over him- but in reality its hard to be consumed in sorrow over something that was over before it began. As I told him, one time or another, there was always an expiration date on our friendship..... I just wished and hoped it would be at a later date.

I wonder if he does too.

Love

I've been thinking about the word LOVE lately and the connotations and power it brings to the table. I have been congratulating myself on the fact that I have never fallen in LOVE and let its power consume me but I have felt the power of infatuation and that is not a nice dress to wear everyday. It's that truth that keeps me second guessing myself when it comes to me ever falling in LOVE. I believe that as people LOVE (unlike infatuation) is an option and not a random happenstance. I refuse to believe that life and its creator wouldn't us to have that much control over our senses. I do believe, however, that a power infatuation may feel like LOVE and that people will not know the difference until they actually allow themselves to really fall in LOVE themselves, realizing that everything else was just child's play.

I hate the fact that I am talking about something that I have never actually felt myself, all that jargon in just a theory that has been swimming around my head for some time.

The thing about LOVE is that no matter how many times I say no to the concept, the truth is that there is a small part of my being that screams to the other parts to let me just one LOVE in my life.

But the rational side will just attack that small part with a very large gun. Why? Because, in my opinion, LOVE is just fucking stupid.

That is all.

Musings

I often wonder how a person can go about hurting other people's feelings like its a game. 

Then I remember that sometimes, the person doing the hurting sees the act as the right thing to do. 

It's something that haunts my being, at times. I like to say that I have never hurt someone the same way I am hurt but I have. 

Everyone has, I bet. 

I just wonder if they think about it as constantly as I do.  

(yes, I think in conundrums) 

At the moment, I don't know what I hate worse: the fact that at times it feels that I was strung along for 2 years by a person AND my feelings OR the fact that I have to try again and meet men that I'll have to date, in order to play this sad game of emotional cat and mouse over and over again. 

The idea makes me sick. SO sick that at times when the idea of dating can send me into a dangerous panic attack.  

Seriously, that bad.

I wonder if I am making sense to the world and the few, very few, people who are reading this. I want you to know that I am just in so much pain. 

So much pain. :-( 

IRONY IS.... (PART 2)

TELLING A GUY FOR 1 1/2 THAT YOU WANT TO GO TO PUERTO RICO 


THEN FINDING OUT THAT HE'S GOING WITH HIS FAMILY (not so bad) 


& GIRLFRIEND WHO HE SWORE WAS TOO UGLY AND BORING FOR HIM TO DATE EVER AGAIN. (awful)


(I'm so bitter, sad and angry right now that I don't know how I am going to recover)

Tat Picture

Tat #2 is going to be the sun and stars in the flag on the far right, labeled "the original flag."

"Now you're over in the corner crying and its my fault, my fault."

If I ever have a son or daughter, I will advise him/her to never allow a guy she/he is in a relationship with to become her/his best friend. I know this sounds like a harsh statement but in order to save my future offspring from the hurt I am feeling right now, I will tell her/him to tread lightly in the harsh ocean called "Developing a Relationship with a Guy/Girl you have feelings for." 

Let me explain the hidden truth that people cry to themselves about but tell no one about. 

At the end of a relationship, one of the hardest thing to get over is the little things the both of you used to do together and I am not talking about the sex. During the course of a relationship, one develops inside jokes, nicknames for each other and a host of other things that helps create a bond that seems unbreakable or the "little things." A person in a relationship, serious or not/committed or not, becomes so used to to the "little things" that becomes a part of their daily routine, so much so that it becomes a part of them- like eating, taking a shower, or watching a television program- and they barely realize that its happening. 

Until one day, the relationship goes south and you find yourself without. Sure, the relationship could have ended on a bad note but it becomes the "little things" that you miss the most. 

It's the little things like emails, a midnight phone call, random texts about random things, being called certain nicknames that you would never let anyone else call you, etc that you miss the most. These are the "little things" that you end up crying about when you miss that one person. These are the "little things" that makes the relationship so much harder to get over and let go.

It's going without the "little things" that makes life feel so empty that when the other person starts to miss the "little things" too and comes back around, you forget all the reasons and heartaches that you went through in the first place. 

It's the "little things" that starts the cycle of pain all over again and makes you do stupid things. 

If I ever have a son or daughter and they choose to not take my warning into consideration, I'll know to blame it on the "little things." 

(yes, I am a fucking mess right now. Thank you!)

that's what HE said

Dear Life,

He said that if I ever got a tattoo he would never speak to me again.

Well, he stopped speaking to me anyway.

So I went ahead and got the fucking tattoo.

Getting the tattoo hurt a lot less.

:-)

Signed,
Me

Today is week 2

Like I was telling my former roommate last night, I haven't felt as though I was on this roller coaster of emotion since I was going through puberty. IT's really quite pathetic and I very much wish I could put all these feelings into a bottle and then throw it into the ocean. Yes, I realize that I can be pretty dramatic when I am going through a rough patch in my life. The way I act, however, are defenses I have built up over the years, in order to feel as if I have some control over the Picasso piece that is my mind.There are days where I feel like I want to curl into a ball and cry until the tears have dried up.On other days, I want to create destruction to myself and the places around me. Then there are happy days that almost makes me forget that I am unhappy OR make me believe that I will never be happy again. Its feels as if I live in a universe of perpetual sadness that encompasses me like a fish bowl, so that I am tortured to watch the others around me live lives that don't cause them to self destruct every five minutes.

It's a never ending cycle of sadness, bitterness, regret, anger, fear, and waste. 

At least I have my health. 

<~> IRONY

IRONY IS... 


first, caring about someone so much for so long 


and then wanting to hit them in the face with a frying pan. 


Gotta love life.

~~> SETBACKS

Someone once told me that there are times in sadness when all the work one does to heal gets destroyed and one ends up back where they started from, in one more place of regret and refuge.

It feels as if I am going to be stuck in a funk, forever.

(even though I know I won't)

Eff sadness.

Hotties of the Summer

Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black in the Twilight Saga)

Jesse Williams (Jackson Avery in Grey's Anatomy)

(The guy that plays Sam Merlotte on True Blood)

that's three, I'll post more..... 

Perchance to Dream

Last night, I had a dream that I got into a horrible fight with a friend of mine. We were arguing over something stupid. I can not remember what dream-Elizabeth said but it was a comment that had hurt his ego. We were in a house that was similar to his but bigger, about the size of a large mansion- kind of like The Duggar family home (you know, if you are a fan of reality shows on TLC). He was so angry that he started making posters and lists that detailed how and why he wasn't being my friend and hung them all over the walls of this large home. I was in the background of it all, screaming. Crying. angry. In my dream, my friend did not seem to care. I remember thinking, "Maybe he's not noticing me" but he would look over, and grin. He was grinning as if he knew how much his actions where hurting me and did not care, no matter how much I tried to apologize (which was becoming confusing because I started to forget what I had done). This dream was an entire mess.

I woke up with a start, my mind was reeling, exhausted and soon I allowed my self a second of relief because the events of the dream did not really happen.

I was happy.

This happiness, however, was shattered by the sobering realization that, while the events of the dream where not real that my friendship to the the man in my dream was actually over and that I still had not recovered from the experience of our lost connection and last talk.

I felt my friend-heart breaking all over again.

It was a bizarre feeling, one I never want to relive.




Other news: Will Passport and Birth Certificate return to the main office? I effing neeeeeed you!

The Karate Kid's Philosophy on Life!

" When life knocks you down, its up to you to get back up." ShoDre to Mr. Han 

I have had a rough to great three days. I wish I could say that I wallowed in self pity but the truth of the matter is that I can not take anymore sadness in my life. Correction: I can not take being sad anymore, especially when you get the feeling that the person you feel bad about isn't feeling the same way. (Do I sound bitter?) On Saturday, I got into my car and started to take a drive. I really just wanted to hit the highway then stop when I had to pee. Plans changed, however, when I actually started driving and realized that I probably wouldn't be able to get home if I drove too far; with or without my GPS. So I ended up going to my city's downtown and hit the mall for a smoothie, a snack and a movie. Thankfully, I had a free movie ticket and did not have to spend any money except on the small tea I got to keep me warm. The movie, as you can probably guess, was The Karate Kid starring Jayden Smith and Jackie Chan. It hit the spot in my heart that makes me gaga over little American children in different countries fighting adversity, finding father figures and falling in love. It was so bitterly family fun and heart wrenching that I found myself wanting to vomit hearts and rainbows in a spew of candy canes and gum drops. More importantly, the quote listed above has become my new mantra for the times when all I want to do is fall into a bit of dispair.

HOOOOORAH! A film that is actually good.

On Sunday, my best-friend and I went to the beach and stayed there for the most part of all day. It was nice to be in the company of someone who can make me forget my troubles and remind me that there are more important things in this world, such as hot guy and hot dads with less than sub-par wives. (My baaaad). Oh yeah, we were totally site-seeing the tourist hotness of the male variety and we were not disappointed, from old to middle aged- to young to "avert my gaze that kid is probably 16" there was hotness on every corner. I could have cried at its beauty.

Then night came and another one of our friends showed up! The one I was hanging out with ended up going home while me and this friend ended up back at my place for alcohol and "Kick Ass." What this means is that I got a little drunk and ended up passing out around 1am.

Luckily I got it work on time.


:-)

How was your weekend? !

Today....

is the first day that I figure things out for myself.



(Being a grown up sucks)

A Purge for sure

On a world-wide scale of terrible things that could have happen to me in the last week, i.e.: Flash Flood, FGM, starvation, the lost of a family member to HIV/AIDS, homelessness, my U-Haul tipping over, the death of a child, etc, my problems are not considered to be that bad. This point of view, however, does not stop the fact that I went through a lot of crap.
It just happens to be on the lower level of crap that the entire world goes through everyday.

Day 1: (starting Wednesday)

A puppy died thirteen hours after it entered my care, it was a sad death and I'm pretty sure I cried my eyes out.  Did I mention that I only had 1 hour of sleep that night? This aspect of the ordeal made work very difficult to bare and I was described as "one of the walking dead" by a co-worker the next day.

Day 2: (starting Thursday) 


My place has fleas, I like to think that it was unrelated to the puppy seeing how its been hot, humid and a perfect breeding ground for fleas. My roommate is greatly allergic to  these fleas and develops huge pustules at their flea bites. Her mother blames me and is starting to talk shit, its getting unbearable and I might have to ban her from my apartment.

I also got into a fight with a very good friend of mine. I said some hurtful things to that friend, in order to let off some steam due to sleeplessness. I also misunderstood text messages during a text fight, which I hate doing. I told that friend that I could no longer be a friend to that person, for one reason or another. That ended the friendship, hopefully temporary. It's something I'm praying for.

Day 3: (starting Sunday) 


My tooth fractured, a tooth that became brittle from a root canal I had 12 years ago. It is now falling apart.

Like I said, my life is not shitty on the scheme of the world BUT it still spews stress.

Bah Hum Bug.

poker face

the negative side of not making new friends:

not doing anything
not talking about my day
without human contact


the positive side of not making new friends:

not doing anything
not talking about my day
without human contact


win-win, for sure!

america and guns

As I am watching the season finale of Grey's Anatomy, a terrible thought crossed my mind. In America, the land of freedom and opportunities, a person who is not a cop (american or not) can go to work one day and be shot by a crazed gunman.

Sure, it happens in a lot of other countries, however, this is the place where it happens the most.


It's a pretty scary thought. 

a wish

i have a wish for my mom 
that is impossible. 
i have a wish for my mom 
that will take her own motivation to grant. 
i have a wish for my mom
for her wake up one morning
and not suffer from a disease. 
i have a wish for my mom
that she will find happiness in my brother and i 
by watching us grow into respectable adults. 
i have a wish for my mom
that she will see the world outside of chips, cards, dealers
comps, bright lights, expensive buffets, & 
the lost and gain of money. 
i have a wish for my mom 
that she'll be the selfless person,
those that love her know she can be. 
i have a wish for my mom. 

Graduation: Not so Glamorous

      It has been four days since I have graduated from college and I can not help but wonder where, in life, am I actually going. I mean, what am I going to do? They need to create a new word to describe the amount of "freaked" out and other emotions that I feel after accomplishing such a goal. Ideally, I would have chosen an undergrad degree that would have been lucrative that lead to a great job directly after graduation. The job prospect would have been made stronger from volunteering and internships I would have done in order to give my resume an exciting read. But I did not. (Actually, I did but I changed my major. I wonder how I should even feel about that.)
Anyways......
       I am scared, alone and confused. I feel as if I need to start everything over, just find a way to wipe the educational slate. Then again, I still wouldn't change what I learned in college, I like the view that I have about the world because it makes me feel less like a sheep and more like a border collie trying to herd the sheep. :-) This sense of clarity and social righteousness, however, does not pay the bills. Okay, it does but not enough to live in a better neighborhood AND pay off the student loan debt.

So I am going to choose between teaching, nursing and ultrasound technology OR maybe all three, in order to  do well for the world AND pay the bills.
Who knows, I am still young.

from wikipedia: A list of Human experiments conducted by the US

Look at the list that I copy and pasted from Wikipedia's human experiment page. 

Gory right? 

Now, pay attention to the amount of minority groups or those on the outside of society used in these experiments: ie. none white, rich, socially acceptable persons. 

Yeah, nice to know who was sacrificed to saved the elite. 

Pathogens, disease, and biological warfare agents

In the 1880s, in Hawaii, a California physician working at a hospital for lepers injected twelve young girls under the age of 12 with syphilis.^[1]

In 1895, the New York pediatrician Henry Heiman intentionally infected two mentally retarded boys—one 4-year-old and one 16-year old—with gonorrhea as part of a medical experiment.^[1][2]

In 1900, U.S Army doctors in the Philippines infected five prisoners with bubonic plague, induced beriberi in 29 prisoners; four of the test subjects died as a result.^[3][4]

In 1906, professor Richard Strong of Harvard University intentionally infected Filipino prisoners with cholera, killing 13 of them.^[5][6]

In 1908, three Philadelphia researchers infected dozens of children with tuberculin at the St. Vincent's House orphanage in Philadelphia, causing permanent blindness in some of the children, and painful lesions and inflammation of the eyes in many of the other children. In the study, they referred to the children as "material used".^[7]

In 1909, F. C. Knowles released a study describing how he had deliberately infected two children in an orphanage with Molluscum contagiosum after an outbreak in the orphanage, in order to study the disease.^[1]

In 1911, Dr. Hideyo Noguchi of the Rockefeller Institute for Medical Research injected 146 hospital patients (some of whom were children) with syphilis. He was later sued by the parents of some of the child subjects, who allegedly contracted syphilis as a result of his experiments.^[8]

A subject of the Tuskegee syphilis experiment has his blood drawn, circa 1953

The Tuskegee syphilis experiment^[9] was a clinical study conducted between 1932 and 1972 in Tuskegee, Alabama, by the U.S. Public Health Service. In the experiment, 400 impoverished black males who had syphilis, were offered "treatment" by the researchers, who told the test subjects that they were treating them for the disease, but in reality did nothing—even though they possessed penicillin, which was known to cure the deadly disease at the time—so that they could observe the effects of syphilis on the human body. By the end of the study in 1972, only 74 of the test subjects were alive. Twenty-eight of the original 399 men had died of syphilis, 100 were dead of related complications, 40 of their wives had been infected, and 19 of their children were born with congenital syphilis. The study was not shut down until 1972, when its existence was leaked to the press, forcing the researchers to stop in the face of public outcry.^[10]

In 1941, at the University of Michigan, doctors Francis and Salk and other researchers deliberately infected patients at several Michigan mental institutions with the influenza virus by spraying the virus into their nasal passages.^[11]

In 1941 Dr. William C. Black inoculated a twelve month old baby with herpes.^[12]

The Stateville Penitentiary Malaria Study was a controlled study of the effects of malaria on the prisoners of Stateville Penitentiary near Joliet, Illinois beginning in the 1940s. The study was conducted by the Department of Medicine at the University of Chicago in conjunction with the United States Army and the State Department. At the Nuremberg trials, Nazi doctors cited the malaria experiments as part of their defense.^[3] The study continued at Stateville Penitentiary for 29 years.

From 1944 to 1946, Dr. Alf Alving, a professor at the University of Chicago Medical School, purposely infected psychiatric patients at the Illinois State Hospital with malaria, so that he could test experimental malaria treatments on them.^[13]

In 1950 the US Navy used airplanes to spray large quantities of the bacteria serratia marcescens over the city of San Francisco, California, which caused numerous citizens to contract pneumonia-like illnesses, and killed at least one person.^[3][14][15]

Also in 1950, Dr. Joseph Stokes of the University of Pennsylvania deliberately infected 200 female prisoners with viral hepatitis.^[16]

From the 1950s to 1972, mentally disabled children at the Willowbrook School in New York were intentionally infected with viral hepatitis, in research whose purpose was to help discover a vaccine. The test subjects were forced to participate in the experiments as a condition for admission to the institution.^[17]

In 1952, Sloan-Kettering Institute researcher Chester M. Southam injected live cancer cells into prisoners at the Ohio State Prison. Half of the prisoners in this NIH-sponsored study were black.^[4] Also at Sloan-Kettering, 300 healthy women were injected with live cancer cells, without telling the patients they were doing so. The doctors claimed that they knew at the time that it might cause cancer.^[18]

In 1955, the CIA conducted a biological warfare experiment where they released whooping cough virus from boats outside of Tampa Bay, Florida, causing a whooping cough epidemic in the city, and killing at least 12 people.^[19][20][21]

In 1956 and 1957, several U.S. Army biological warfare experiments were conducted on the cities of Savannah, Georgia and Avon Park, Florida. In the experiments, Army bio-warfare researchers released millions of mosquitoes on the two towns, in order to see if the insects would spread yellow fever and dengue fever. Hundreds of residents contracted a wide array of illnesses, including fevers, respiratory problems, stillbirths, encephalitis, and typhoid. Army researchers pretended to be public health workers, so that they could photograph and perform medical tests on the victims. Several people died as a result of the experiments.^[3]

In 1962, twenty-two elderly patients at the Jewish Chronic Disease Hospital in Brooklyn, New York were injected with live cancer cells, by Chester M. Southam, who in 1952 had done the same to prisoners at the Ohio State Prison, in order to "discover the secret of how healthy bodies fight the invasion of malignant cells". The administration of the hospital attempted to cover the study up, but the New York State medical licensing board ultimately placed Southam on probation for one year. Two years later, the American Cancer Society elected him as their Vice President.^[4][22]

From 1963 to 1966, Saul Krugman of New York University promised the parents of mentally disabled children that their children would be enrolled into the Willowbrook State School in Staten Island, New York, in exchange for signing a consent form for procedures that he claimed were "vaccinations." In reality, the procedures involved deliberately infecting children with viral hepatitis by feeding them an extract made from the feces of patients infected with the disease.^[23]

In 1966, the U.S. Army released bacillus globigii into the tunnels of the New York subway system as part of a field study called A Study of the Vulnerability of Subway Passengers in New York City to Covert Attack with Biological Agents.^[3][19] The Chicago subway system was also subject to a similar experiment by the Army.^[19]

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