I wish someone would have explained to me a long time ago that ending a friendship on bad terms is as bad as breaking up with someone. Coming from a girl who has ended more friendships than having been in relationships with a significant other, I can tell you that heart ache is heart ache, all that matters is whether or not you are close to a person.
When the friendship you just ended straddled the line between romance and deep friendship, the type of hurt you experience just travels all over. The type of hurt starts in your heart, floods the brain, tickles your toes then tares through your soul in only a matter of seconds. Everything hurts. Everything makes you want to vomit. You want the time to stop what it's doing, just so you can take a breather and fully comprehend what is actually going on in your body.
If you read this and try to fool me into thinking that I was in love, please stop reading now. Actually, stop reading now and forget everything that you just read. You may laugh at my silliness, but seriously, back.that.train. up. and shut the fuck up. You have no idea what I am trying to convey and I need you take your false intelligence else where. Preferably away from my blog.
I wasn't, I know I wasn't.
I refuse to let someone have that power over me. I actually do not think that I believe in romantic love or the type of love that swallows you whole and spits you out a new clean person. I only believe in intense infatuation with another person, the type of emotion that when it swallows you whole, it spits you out in shards with some glass mixed in for good measure.
That feeling, I have felt over and over again, just on different levels with different men. All unworthy of any romantic love I could have spit out if I actually believed in the concept.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
aftermath
Just like that, when I thought the world had nothing else to offer me when it came to my own self pity, it throws me for a loop with just one simple text message. (or two)
.... and just like that, I am a crying blubbery mess. [thanks for saving me from myself Chris-Chris!]
Well, only for a little while. Then we got to texting......
Which I hate because, honestly, I don't consider them real conversation. Just a dribble of words put together that are supposed to say what is on your mind, NOT what you are feeling. (same goes for instant messaging)
......and we hashed something things out. I got some things off my chest and he let me know that he did not intend to hurt my feelings. I let him know that while I am still not as hurt as before, I am still angry AND I don't want to be around him. The reasoning behind that realization is that I am pretty sure I won't be able to handle my temper around him. I think I might try to punch him in the face for putting me through so much pain. I don't need that on my criminal record.
The resolution was this: There's no bad blood between us. I need time for more healing. I can not be around him. (as stated before)
This entire "conversation" comes as a surprise to me since I have spent many traffic jams reexamining exactly what went wrong in our relationship. The fact that there are many reasons as to why it went wrong, gave affirmation that whatever emotional roller coaster I am going through is for a purpose.
One main problem, I realized recently was the level of co-dependent behavior on my end that went on for the past 2 years. I relied on him to dictate who I was friends with, what friends I hung out with, to tell me when I was acting below my abilities, and on and on. Mind you, I fought him on every level but I was there to eat all those words up. I relied on his opinions to validate that someone care about me, that I was more than some girl who just did good things in bed. I did what I could to make myself worthy of him caring for me, even though his words made me feel inadequate.
I gave him all of me and he only gave me some of me. I stopped doing things that made him upset. I fought his opinions every step of the way, instead of telling him to mind his own business.
I basically did what I could to make him think I was to be taken care of and he was the only one who could care for me.
I shared my deepest darkest pain in hopes he would understand.
I wanted him to think that I was special and lovely and beautiful because I have only felt unspecial, unlovely and unbeautiful for most of my life.
Instead, we both made something that could have been a great friendship into a big mess.
I can't help but wonder what would have changed the outcome of our friendship/whatever the fuck it was.
Until next time. ce' le' vie
This is the song that makes me think of him :
.... and just like that, I am a crying blubbery mess. [thanks for saving me from myself Chris-Chris!]
Well, only for a little while. Then we got to texting......
Which I hate because, honestly, I don't consider them real conversation. Just a dribble of words put together that are supposed to say what is on your mind, NOT what you are feeling. (same goes for instant messaging)
......and we hashed something things out. I got some things off my chest and he let me know that he did not intend to hurt my feelings. I let him know that while I am still not as hurt as before, I am still angry AND I don't want to be around him. The reasoning behind that realization is that I am pretty sure I won't be able to handle my temper around him. I think I might try to punch him in the face for putting me through so much pain. I don't need that on my criminal record.
The resolution was this: There's no bad blood between us. I need time for more healing. I can not be around him. (as stated before)
This entire "conversation" comes as a surprise to me since I have spent many traffic jams reexamining exactly what went wrong in our relationship. The fact that there are many reasons as to why it went wrong, gave affirmation that whatever emotional roller coaster I am going through is for a purpose.
One main problem, I realized recently was the level of co-dependent behavior on my end that went on for the past 2 years. I relied on him to dictate who I was friends with, what friends I hung out with, to tell me when I was acting below my abilities, and on and on. Mind you, I fought him on every level but I was there to eat all those words up. I relied on his opinions to validate that someone care about me, that I was more than some girl who just did good things in bed. I did what I could to make myself worthy of him caring for me, even though his words made me feel inadequate.
I gave him all of me and he only gave me some of me. I stopped doing things that made him upset. I fought his opinions every step of the way, instead of telling him to mind his own business.
I basically did what I could to make him think I was to be taken care of and he was the only one who could care for me.
I shared my deepest darkest pain in hopes he would understand.
I wanted him to think that I was special and lovely and beautiful because I have only felt unspecial, unlovely and unbeautiful for most of my life.
Instead, we both made something that could have been a great friendship into a big mess.
I can't help but wonder what would have changed the outcome of our friendship/whatever the fuck it was.
Until next time. ce' le' vie
This is the song that makes me think of him :
Thursday, August 26, 2010
One Month Later
.... and just like that, I am almost 100% over all that bullshit.
Yup, almost 100%, because a full, blown "I don't give a flying fuck about that asshole" this soon would mean that I didn't care (which I do) and that he doesn't still affect me (which he does).
So here I am. Enjoying my life. Making all my own rules, doing my own thing and not feeling like a 3:30a text conversation with an old friend is in some way a terrible betrayal.
It's odd being the queen of your own universe, having to deal with everything and your own problems within your own minds.
Then again, in the words of my beloved friend Chris, "I'm tired of those guys making you feel like you are doing something wrong when you're not!"
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