A Hard Knock Life for Me

1. Sesame the mean hamster died yesterday. :-( I shall never hear the squeaky of that wheel of his again.

I hate death, however, being a hamster he wasn't expected to live that long anyways. From what I read having a hamster happy-go-lucky one minute and dead the next is common for a hamster owner. I'm chalking it up to the fact that I had a shitty day yesterday!

2. I failed what should have been an easy exit writing exam! ME! I felt defeated. (I found this out before I knew about the hamster!)

There is some good news:

Meet Mr. Micheal Buble, I like him more than Adam Levine now. It probably means that I am a grown up now but Buble's voice is so soothing and, as cliche as this may seem, it feels as if he is singing just for me. Swoon.

 List of songs from Micheal Buble: 

Home

Haven't Met You Yet

Swing

May I dare say it? Micheal Buble is one of the very few reasons I have hope for a love. Seriously, who could sing such beautiful music about the subject if it doesn't exist?

No one, not even the great Micheal Buble.

If he redid 'Smile' by Charlie Chaplin, I'd probably tear up.

;-)

^^ Former Love of my Life, Adam Lavine,.

Last 2 Posts

I just read what I've been writing and I've realized: I've been rather whiny lately, don't you think? 

Hello there

To Whom It May Conern,

Hello there. You may not know this by looking at me, or may you do, but there are days where I just want to just walk away from all my responcibilities.

Walk away from my bills.

Walk away from college.

Walk away from my job.

Walk away from the pressure of having to have a plan for my future!

However, there is a part of me that does not want to leave my family and most of my friends.

Call it being a coward, being selfish or plain ole' being lazy.

What I really want to walk away from is feeling so trapped in the things that only has meaning because society says so.

If I do end up walking away from all this, you might find me living on an island selling mangoes by the seashore. I may look tathered but I'll probably be happier than what I am now.

*(&*(^&%^ %^$#$&*$#&* #&#R&$^Q#$&*@# #&*DSHD&*#E! ]

Thank you and have a nice day!

I really don't want to...

10 things I'd Rather do than Live at Home

10. Live in a Cardboard Box.

9. Eat Jello (I hate Jello) 

8. Have my period every day for a month. 

7. Vote for Sarah Palin for any political office.  

6. Listen to Styrofoam rub against each other.

5. Drink liquid-fat without realizing it's not apple cider. 

4. Have a gross foot in my face. 

3. Write a 15 page paper.

2. Listen to Techno.

1. Move half-way around the world. 

Can you tell? I really don't want to live at home. My mom drives me crazy and my step-father's opinions are too ignorant to ignore. 


It looks like I may have to sell off my possessions and live on people's couches. [I wonder if I would actually do that!]

Grumble. :-( 

My dad, father and friend

My dad has popped into my head at the moment, so much so that it has driven me to write a blog about him. 


Crazy? I know. 


On the contrary from what I have told people, my relationship with him can be rather sweet. 


He's hot-tempered, arrogant and a prick but he's still my dad; this means that at times, he can be rather nice to me. 


When he's not trying to be supreme world leader of the household. 


3 Sweet Memories I have of my father: 


1.] Playing Hide and Go Seek: I had to be be at least 3 or 4 when these silly games happen because I was still at that age where my hand could fit underneath the crack of a door. For hours, him and I would play this game of Hide and Go seek; I always thought he was so clever when he hid in the shoe closet. I would stick my little hands underneath, hoping to grab him and he would lightly squish my fingers with his feet. 


2.] Sneaking my brother and I candy in the garage: During this time, my mother had a problem with my brother and I eating candy; i.e. she hated it! SO much so that she would only let the two of us eat gummy bears if we wanted something sweet. (I have come to the conclusion that she is the reason why I can't stomach things that are tooooo sweet and have to have my sweet tea diluted). Too bad for her, my father loved to be the candy hero and would bring the two of us starbursts candy. The three of us would hide in the garage and devour pieces of this sweet yet banned treat. Each time my mother caught us and would scoff underneath her breath at my father's betrayal. My brother and I didn't care, however, because we got some candy! Yup, Yup


3.] That one time he let me stay home from school for no other reason besides me hating it: One day, while living in Okinawa, I must have mentioned to my father how stressful middle school was for me. The next day, I woke up in a panic because there was light outside which meant that I had overslept! I must have woken up freaking out because my dad came in sat down next to me (like he did every morning) and said, "It's okay Beth, you don't have to go to school today!" I was sooo Happy


P.S. My father has always been the only man in my life to bring my breakfast in bed and to think of my on Valentine's Day. <3

There you have it folks, 

proof that my Dad isn't always

 the ass I make him out to be. 

*This photo of Miley Cyrus and her father Billy Ray has 

nothing to do with my own father and I, however, doesn't it just 

scream Woody Allen and Soon-Yi Previn? 

I don't mean to insinuate incest, however, this pose is not very fatherly/daughterly! 

Imitation of Life circa 1959

This is me, pushing a film that my generation wouldn't think twice about watching.

It's called Imitation of Life from 1959. It's awesome, it's moving and you'll look pretty smart in front of all your movie Einsteins for watching this film.

Traditionally, this movie was seen as a widow transcending through society and basically 'making it' in a time where having a dead husband equaled poverty or serving another man.

However, there is a second plot that takes over the movie where a black mother must let go of a daughter who is ashamed of her color. This is an interesting look at race relations and how the ways society can affect a person so greatly that they feel ashamed of who they were born.

Quotes to Remember:
Annie: "How do you tell a child that she was born to be hurt?"

Sarah-Jayne's friend: "Why honey-chile, you had a mammie!"
Sarah-Jayne (as Linda): "All my life."

IF you have a heart and choose to watch this movie, carry a tissue with you because you will need it!

:-)

P.S.- Remember to Love and I will too.

I found him!

The man who is going to father my children!

Just listen to him sing.



I know he's Filipino and I said I'd never go down that route, however, you have got to throw out the rule-book for a man who likes Glee and musicals without being afraid to show it.

We need more people on the earth like this, which is why I want to procreate with him.

In order to help the world become populated with more beautiful people!

: /

College, blow me

Sometimes, I feel that college is worthless if one's not incredibly rich and trying to obtain a fine arts degree. No matter how much you think you can change the world with it. 


Grumble. 


Is it okay to start college all over and do something boring, monotonous yet fruitful? 

V-day on a Single person's heart

V-Day 2010 is not what I thought it would be. It's just turned into a reminder that people should not be trusted the way that I think they do.

It's also a reminder that no matter how hard I try not to, I let people walk all over me in the spirit of me caring for them. This is a great set-back because I thought I changed that and that I wouldn't let people do that to me again.

Ugh. How do you allow someone to know that through my hard exterior there lies a squishy underneath, endanger of being heart?

How do let that same someone realize that you are smart and intuitive thus smart enough to know when said person is taking advantage of the fact that you are a loyal yet pushed-over friend? 

I guess it stems from the fact that no matter the situation, I try to have a positive outlook on things and still believe that people are good in nature. It does not matter the bad parts of people I see everyday, I love them unconditionally.

I often wonder why I look forward to this day, more than I do Christmas or Thanksgiving and I am reminded in bits and pieces when I crying moods such as this one; it reminds me that people do feel good and love in their hearts on occasion. People tend to be a bit more creative on this day, then on Christmas and Thanksgiving, all in the name of the love. <3 

I may be in a part of my journey of self-discovery where I am apathetic to people, however, I try very hard to counter that with being positive. I know that statement probably didn't make sense but it did to me. 

I would like to state in a moment of Happiness everyday, however, I have draw backs that are caused by ignorant and thoughtless people that lead me into bouts of Sadness. 

Off topic: In other news, in my mom's extended family there has been a death and a birth, isn't that an awesome example of the circle of life? 

What's healthy, beautiful or even Normal?

*http://cache.jezebel.com/assets/images/39/2009/12/glamournude_dec2.jpg

I have a theory that the reason why weight loss strategies doesn't work on a lot of people is because they try to only lose weight in order to look a certain way instead of trying to maintain a healthy life. Sure, they may say that when asked but most people, secretly, just want to look 'good' naked, what ever that may be.

That being said, my brain is starting to over-think this whole "body image" subject that the people around me have been speaking of for the past couple of months. Add in the fact that I have gained a good amount of weight to my small stature, and I have myself a confusing issue.

Instead of weighing historical and social factors that have shaped men and women's beliefs about what is considered beautiful, I have made up my mind that it's not about looks.

I know that its really all about what's healthy and what feels good, however, the self-consciousness is always there; just wondering if anyone notices how fat my ass has gotten or if I look good naked. Call it self-loathing but I just can't help it, not in this weight obsessed culture anyway.

I find myself wondering these days, who is considered healthy and normal? Who is exactly the look and voice of the present day woman? Are they the ladies who are featured in the picture at the beginning of this article or Lizzie Miller, who created a wave when she posed for this 'unflattering' photo in Glamour magazine yet received praise for being a 'real woman' at 5'10 and 175 pounds?

Would I look that happy if I had her body?

Or is it model Kate Moss who once proclaimed that "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Does she have the body that I am supposed to compare myself to and strive to emulate, body wise not lifestyle wise?


If I'm not supposed to look like Kate Mose than who are considered those who take good 'care' of their bodies, I wonder?

Are they body builders or women who work out to gain the desired six packs?

[Remember when the movie Blue Crush came out and the movie became more famous for its toned stars than story line? Did anyone else feel a slightly bit self-conscious as a teenager/young girl/ adult?]

Was that what I supposed to look at when I was sixteen years old?


What about the women who are considered "big," "thick," or "curvy"?

Are they the new faces of the average American woman?

Would I consider myself beautiful if I looked like this?

Do they feel healthy?

Are they actually healthy?

What about women who are considered obese? Are they allowed to think of themselves as healthy, beautiful or even normal? Even when more and more women in society look like they do? 

Will this new actress receive the respect she deserves or be ignored because of her body?

Why did we become a country that judges the value of a person based on the amount they weight instead of the weight of their character?

                                    

How am I supposed to feel when an actress declares that she is happy with her body size in one instance, then graces the covers of fitness magazines showing off the weight she lost?


Would I lose respect for the actress in the above picture if she chose to change her body?

Is she doing this for health reasons or because she feels the pressure to look a certain way?

Am I supposed to feel respect or remorse?

If I felt pressure to look a certain way and decided to change my body, would I be less of a feminist?











Are these slender, fresh-face women really happy about their bodies or are they happy that you can finally stop calling them fat?



Do I really want to be a slave to my caloric intake?

What about those women who are deemed naturally skinny? 

Am I supposed to be jealous?

Or follow the advice of magazines that tell me to "eat like a skinny girl?"

I wonder if the editors of those health magazines realize that their "tips" for healthy eating end up on Pro-anorexia websites? Would they consider them tips then?

After all of this thinking and wondering, I sometimes stop to think about my race and wonder; since I am Asian am I supposed to look like her?

Should I be submissive, large breasts, small stature, and have a thin waist even though I don't want to. 

Lastly, is skinny supposed to equal healthy?

Is being overweight supposed to equal unhealthy?

What am I supposed to tell a little girl who feels fat because she does not compare to the images she sees on TV OR at school? 

Is this what our nation's obsession has lead to? 

A generation of people who feel unhappy with who they are based on what they weigh and how they look? 

As I wrote this article, I wondered, are my mixed-feelings of confusion, jealously, anger, frustration, sadness, and remorse showing through? 

I really hope they are. 

What angers me the most, is that no matter the class I take or book I read or validation I feel, nothing will quiet the voice that screams: "I'm fat, ugly and no one will want to look at me and find me attractive." 

(The image  of Lizzie Miller was found in this article: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1210814/Lizzie-Millers-Glamour-magazine-shoot-How-models-picture-shook-world-flabby-tummy-all.html)

(Picture found at http://www.withamymac.com/news/2009/12/03/kate-moss-and-i-agree/)

(Pictures of Marissa Jaret Winokur, America Ferrera, and Jennifer Hudson were found:

http://www.fitceleb.com/2009/04/30/dance-your-a--off-, http://profashionelle.com/39th-annual-naacp-image-awards-2008-celebrity-red-carpet-fashion/ & http://profashionelle.com/39th-annual-naacp-image-awards-2008-celebrity-red-carpet-fashion/ , respectfully)

Stupid Quote of the week

I think I'm going to try this series out. :-)

The first one is from memory:

[Stupid former Co-worker]:" No, Catholism didn't start in the Philippines until 1945 when General Douglas MacArthur brought it over. "

(I have a lot to say about this, I don't know where to begin and a lot of it is mean.)

This one came from last night:

[Friend spoke about in last blog]: "Wait, you're telling me that Janet Jackson and Michael Jackson are brother and sister?"

(And you wonder why I don't want him drunk driving near my living area!)

I am annoying and wrong? No sir, you are wrong and a big-fat idiot to boot!

A friend of a friend is starting really piss me off, like really. So much so that every time he opens his mouth I prejudge his words to be stupid.

Why?

Well, he likes to drunk and drive to my apartment without seeing what the big deal is. Then calls me annoying the day after for chastising him about it when he walked through the door.

Excuse me? He's a guest at my apartment and as a guest, it needs to be realized that going to stay my place, when he doesn't have one (he stays on a navy boat), is a privilege not a right.  That as a guest, he should come to my place acting like he has sense.

This isn't about him, I've tried being the good friend and care about his well-being and career. But he doesn't seem to care. I've tried being the good person and care about the other drivers on the road. But he doesn't seem to care. Lastly, I've tried only caring about my neighborhood and my "call 911 happy neighbors" but alas he doesn't seem to care.

It seems like I am talking about a fucking idiot, doesn't it? It's because I am.

At this moment, the only thing I care about is myself with a touch of the other people on the road. How many times does a person have to be told that an activity could not only kill yourself but other people without feeling remorse?

What he doesn't realize is that I only care about people until a point, that I am only nice until a point. I've already told him that he is not welcomed to my apartment if he is drunk.

If that doesn't help, I will call the cops and ruin his life and career.

Am I heartless? Sure but now its me who doesn't.give.a.fuck.

If I did, I have 'hit by a drunk-driver' survivor stories like this that bring me back to reality:

In other news, every two days a person dies from a traffic accident in the area I live in. Wanna make a bet that many of those accidents are caused by drunk driving? 

I should join M.A.D.D. or D.A.D.D. or something to that affect. 

Oh and I really hate stupid people. 

What to do with my life

(-) I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. Should I be a teacher? Counselor? Should I work in the health field?

What do I want to do exactly, I have no exact clue.

All I really know, is that I don't want to join the military. That choice just doesn't seem right to me.

Apparently, college is where one should figure out what they should do with their life and I can tell you that I still don't know.  Actually, I do know but that job doesn't actually pay money.

:-(

Edit: What should I do, right now?

• Get renters insurance 
• think about my future academic choices 
• work-out
• look at the snow and take pictures
• journal 

amend-um: White Collar

The show is getting better, but I can't help but wonder if it will have some staying power.

I have a feeling that Season 2 will be its deciding factor.

Dial J for Jealousy

I am a jealous person

and I can not help it

where does it come from?

why is it here?

It's like the loch ness monster,

I deny that its there

but

everyone else notices its presence

OR

maybe I'm wrong,

and its more like the sky

always lingering

waiting to swell

and rain down on the world

MJ's children

Paris, Lionel Richie, Prince and "Blanket"

Grammys 2010 

Commentary: Paris is so beautiful and I believe that "Blanket" looks just like MJ. 

Interesting. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k038KUY5Q-M

Paris and Prince accepting the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Grammys for their father, they really do love and miss their father. 

Commentary: So sad. If you watch closely, however, you will notice how Prince stands in the same manner as his father. 

Is anyone wrapped up into the controversy over the genetics and ethnicity of MJ's children? I'm not but I do know that for some people this topic is touchy because of the fact that it seems like MJ was ashamed of being a black man.

I feel that instead of being angry, they should feel sad for him; it takes a lot of self-hatred to hate the way you look and your own race.

What I don't understand is why people seem so quick to say that Paris, Prince and "Blanket" are NOT MJ's children. Michael Jackson raised them, loved them and cared for them as a father; his family also accepts them as their blood, refusing to believe anything different.I understand what these children, their race and their father's race may symbolize to different communities. As long as their family embraces them as their own blood, I don't believe that there will be a problem; all it means is that they are more open-minded to diversity and different cultures.



Then again, those children may be his flesh and blood like he has been telling us all this time; only time, magazine interviews done by the children when they hit their 20s and (maybe) DNA tests will reveal the answers.

Until then..... we may never know and for some of us, that is okay.

Michael and his babies, many moons ago

The facebook status discussion that sparked this blog:

Status (not mine): maybe it's just me, but I'm really getting annoyed at the fact people keep calling those random little white kids Michael Jackson's children. Yes Michael had a skin disease, but genetics do not lie. I hate to have my intelligence insulted when the proof is more than obvious, but evident. ><

Me: If he took care of them like a father, then those are his kids. They may not be his genetically but it takes more than sperm to make a father. 

6 hours ago · 

 Other person: 

I'm highly aware of the fact those are not his biological children...duh. That's the point I'm making. And I agree with you that it takes more than just reproducing to make a child but actually carrying out the duties of a parent---hence, the existence of adoption. However, what irritates me is that they're NOT Michael Jackson's biological children and he didn't even bother to 'adopt' a black child. What's up with that!? xD

I can see if his skin disease was not publicized and he wanted to hide it. But his transition was public and we ALL know that he is black---a very cute black man too...aww :( Anyway, my argument is that those aren't his biological children and he didn't even to attempt to lift a finger to make one child remotely look like him in his true state---black.

6 hours ago

Me: The only problem I have with that statement is that there are plenty people that are part black but dont look black, like Jessica Beals(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jennifer_Beals) & Rashida Jones (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rashida_Jones). I think if those 3 aren't his kids or black than that speaks to MJ and how he felt about his looks, from what I read he was emotionally put down by his father about his looks and he probably thought that those features made him ugly and he didn't pass them on. Without a DNA test, however, we might not ever know whether or not those kids where his or not.

5 hours ago · 

Other person: 

Yeah I remember hearing stories of that as well. But in the Access Hollywood interviews with Tito and I think Janet Jackson as well they said that those 3 ARE Michael's BIOLOGICAL children.

Either way it's kind of like a punch in the vagina for me and PERHAPS other blacks that he wouldn't want to have black children because they're "ugly." Regardless of how you put it with his dad putting him down, the fact is he believed that black was 'ugly,' which is sad and somewhat hypocritical for someone who claims to promote peace and unity. I dunno, his intentions confused me after those kids came into the picture. By all means, I respect Michael as an artist and halfheartedly as a universal ambassador---his music broke language barriers and brought people together. But his reasoning behind those children and what he thought of his own kind puzzles me.

As for the two examples of black/white children,yes you would never guess they have African descent. I have a few cousins that are half black & half German and they have green eyes, fair skin, straight hair, etc. But Michael had 3 supposedly biological children, at least one of the 3 would have caught the 'black genes.'

5 hours ago

Me:  

I don't think he was saying that all Black people were ugly, I think he was saying that he were ugly and so were his genetics.I don't know why he didn't use sperm from any of the black men in his life. That's probably an answer we will never have unless Michael has hidden journals.

As for genetics, I think nature isn't always perfect and has some "oopsy daisies." For example, in my uncles's family of 8 children his youngest daughter has cystic fibrosis when genetics would deem that half of those kids should have the disease. I understand, however, that Michael more-than-likely claimed full-blooded white as his blood.

The only reason I am playing devils advocate is because a lot of people do not realize that I am part Filipina and when they find out want to either dismiss that or dismiss my white side. 

I think its nice, however, that MJ's family are so insistent to think of those 3 kids as their blood and to raise them in their lives as such.

4 hours ago · 

Other person: Yeah, I guess we'll never know. I just wanted to throw that out there though because it just annoyed me how some people kept claiming that they were his kids, biologically at that.

Meh, whatever. I'll still dance to his music.

Disclaimer: I am not posting this discussion as a "me vs that person" argument, that person's position is valid and does hold merit. I am hoping to show the difference in our view point and to show the intensity of the argument that this controversy may hold for some people.