The Happening

It's happening, slowly yet surely.
I am starting to get over the one who hurt my heart, this getting over a guy thing moving at a slow pace but the best part is that its actually happening.
This is not something that isn't happening and I'm saying is, I'm actually getting over the sumofabitch. I think its me becoming a grown-up and being compliant with the notion  that I could never had gotten something that would never belong to me. The one good thing he did was explain to me in the beginning that I would never be his and he would never be mine. My problem through out this whole "thing" was that I left myself too available with the hope-hope that one day he'd want me in some special way. We both saw this, yet, for some reason we both let him play me like a fiddle... casually tossed to the side. If we are going to overplay this fiddle analogy, it would be safe to say that he was the fiddle player and I was his prized possession, no one could play me but he could play other fiddles. I was just something that was all his and he wasn't all mine. This manipulation of my affection was something that could be blamed on the both of us, we BOTH let my emotions get too far; to the point that when he left me I would be a terrible wreck which I was/still am from time to time. I think its safe to say that both of us actually do have some strong feelings for each other, all though we never talk anymore, that leave us longing for one another's companionship whether it be platonic or romantic. Its the pull towards one another that left our last few moments of friendship to be filled with confusing bittersweet affection- physical and emotional. My one and only regret is how wrong everything turned out to be in the end: my anger towards his deception and disrespect towards me, him trying so hard to not be the bad guy, me feeling so vulnerable and scared to the point where I was begging him to not leave me. Everything just turned into this over dramatic flub that it exposed how over the two of us needed to become, the pain over the fact that our friendship would never blossom into anything more than what it had become just turned into anger, tears, regret, sorrow and remorse on both our parts. I wish I could say that this was the hardest thing I have ever had to do- getting over him- but in reality its hard to be consumed in sorrow over something that was over before it began. As I told him, one time or another, there was always an expiration date on our friendship..... I just wished and hoped it would be at a later date.

I wonder if he does too.

Love

I've been thinking about the word LOVE lately and the connotations and power it brings to the table. I have been congratulating myself on the fact that I have never fallen in LOVE and let its power consume me but I have felt the power of infatuation and that is not a nice dress to wear everyday. It's that truth that keeps me second guessing myself when it comes to me ever falling in LOVE. I believe that as people LOVE (unlike infatuation) is an option and not a random happenstance. I refuse to believe that life and its creator wouldn't us to have that much control over our senses. I do believe, however, that a power infatuation may feel like LOVE and that people will not know the difference until they actually allow themselves to really fall in LOVE themselves, realizing that everything else was just child's play.

I hate the fact that I am talking about something that I have never actually felt myself, all that jargon in just a theory that has been swimming around my head for some time.

The thing about LOVE is that no matter how many times I say no to the concept, the truth is that there is a small part of my being that screams to the other parts to let me just one LOVE in my life.

But the rational side will just attack that small part with a very large gun. Why? Because, in my opinion, LOVE is just fucking stupid.

That is all.

Musings

I often wonder how a person can go about hurting other people's feelings like its a game. 

Then I remember that sometimes, the person doing the hurting sees the act as the right thing to do. 

It's something that haunts my being, at times. I like to say that I have never hurt someone the same way I am hurt but I have. 

Everyone has, I bet. 

I just wonder if they think about it as constantly as I do.  

(yes, I think in conundrums) 

At the moment, I don't know what I hate worse: the fact that at times it feels that I was strung along for 2 years by a person AND my feelings OR the fact that I have to try again and meet men that I'll have to date, in order to play this sad game of emotional cat and mouse over and over again. 

The idea makes me sick. SO sick that at times when the idea of dating can send me into a dangerous panic attack.  

Seriously, that bad.

I wonder if I am making sense to the world and the few, very few, people who are reading this. I want you to know that I am just in so much pain. 

So much pain. :-( 

IRONY IS.... (PART 2)

TELLING A GUY FOR 1 1/2 THAT YOU WANT TO GO TO PUERTO RICO 


THEN FINDING OUT THAT HE'S GOING WITH HIS FAMILY (not so bad) 


& GIRLFRIEND WHO HE SWORE WAS TOO UGLY AND BORING FOR HIM TO DATE EVER AGAIN. (awful)


(I'm so bitter, sad and angry right now that I don't know how I am going to recover)

Tat Picture

Tat #2 is going to be the sun and stars in the flag on the far right, labeled "the original flag."

"Now you're over in the corner crying and its my fault, my fault."

If I ever have a son or daughter, I will advise him/her to never allow a guy she/he is in a relationship with to become her/his best friend. I know this sounds like a harsh statement but in order to save my future offspring from the hurt I am feeling right now, I will tell her/him to tread lightly in the harsh ocean called "Developing a Relationship with a Guy/Girl you have feelings for." 

Let me explain the hidden truth that people cry to themselves about but tell no one about. 

At the end of a relationship, one of the hardest thing to get over is the little things the both of you used to do together and I am not talking about the sex. During the course of a relationship, one develops inside jokes, nicknames for each other and a host of other things that helps create a bond that seems unbreakable or the "little things." A person in a relationship, serious or not/committed or not, becomes so used to to the "little things" that becomes a part of their daily routine, so much so that it becomes a part of them- like eating, taking a shower, or watching a television program- and they barely realize that its happening. 

Until one day, the relationship goes south and you find yourself without. Sure, the relationship could have ended on a bad note but it becomes the "little things" that you miss the most. 

It's the little things like emails, a midnight phone call, random texts about random things, being called certain nicknames that you would never let anyone else call you, etc that you miss the most. These are the "little things" that you end up crying about when you miss that one person. These are the "little things" that makes the relationship so much harder to get over and let go.

It's going without the "little things" that makes life feel so empty that when the other person starts to miss the "little things" too and comes back around, you forget all the reasons and heartaches that you went through in the first place. 

It's the "little things" that starts the cycle of pain all over again and makes you do stupid things. 

If I ever have a son or daughter and they choose to not take my warning into consideration, I'll know to blame it on the "little things." 

(yes, I am a fucking mess right now. Thank you!)

that's what HE said

Dear Life,

He said that if I ever got a tattoo he would never speak to me again.

Well, he stopped speaking to me anyway.

So I went ahead and got the fucking tattoo.

Getting the tattoo hurt a lot less.

:-)

Signed,
Me

Today is week 2

Like I was telling my former roommate last night, I haven't felt as though I was on this roller coaster of emotion since I was going through puberty. IT's really quite pathetic and I very much wish I could put all these feelings into a bottle and then throw it into the ocean. Yes, I realize that I can be pretty dramatic when I am going through a rough patch in my life. The way I act, however, are defenses I have built up over the years, in order to feel as if I have some control over the Picasso piece that is my mind.There are days where I feel like I want to curl into a ball and cry until the tears have dried up.On other days, I want to create destruction to myself and the places around me. Then there are happy days that almost makes me forget that I am unhappy OR make me believe that I will never be happy again. Its feels as if I live in a universe of perpetual sadness that encompasses me like a fish bowl, so that I am tortured to watch the others around me live lives that don't cause them to self destruct every five minutes.

It's a never ending cycle of sadness, bitterness, regret, anger, fear, and waste. 

At least I have my health. 

<~> IRONY

IRONY IS... 


first, caring about someone so much for so long 


and then wanting to hit them in the face with a frying pan. 


Gotta love life.

~~> SETBACKS

Someone once told me that there are times in sadness when all the work one does to heal gets destroyed and one ends up back where they started from, in one more place of regret and refuge.

It feels as if I am going to be stuck in a funk, forever.

(even though I know I won't)

Eff sadness.

Hotties of the Summer

Taylor Lautner (Jacob Black in the Twilight Saga)

Jesse Williams (Jackson Avery in Grey's Anatomy)

(The guy that plays Sam Merlotte on True Blood)

that's three, I'll post more..... 

Perchance to Dream

Last night, I had a dream that I got into a horrible fight with a friend of mine. We were arguing over something stupid. I can not remember what dream-Elizabeth said but it was a comment that had hurt his ego. We were in a house that was similar to his but bigger, about the size of a large mansion- kind of like The Duggar family home (you know, if you are a fan of reality shows on TLC). He was so angry that he started making posters and lists that detailed how and why he wasn't being my friend and hung them all over the walls of this large home. I was in the background of it all, screaming. Crying. angry. In my dream, my friend did not seem to care. I remember thinking, "Maybe he's not noticing me" but he would look over, and grin. He was grinning as if he knew how much his actions where hurting me and did not care, no matter how much I tried to apologize (which was becoming confusing because I started to forget what I had done). This dream was an entire mess.

I woke up with a start, my mind was reeling, exhausted and soon I allowed my self a second of relief because the events of the dream did not really happen.

I was happy.

This happiness, however, was shattered by the sobering realization that, while the events of the dream where not real that my friendship to the the man in my dream was actually over and that I still had not recovered from the experience of our lost connection and last talk.

I felt my friend-heart breaking all over again.

It was a bizarre feeling, one I never want to relive.




Other news: Will Passport and Birth Certificate return to the main office? I effing neeeeeed you!