Add On: Move Along, Move Along

I decided today that I am going to be healthy and just move along.

Not move on OR let it go because it takes me a long time to get over things but move along, like that song by All American Rejects.

I'm still going to be angry but no longer spiteful.
I'm still going to be sad but no longer hopeless.
I'm just going to be healthy and allow myself to be happy and not get stuck.


This is a dance I have done a million times before, I know all the steps, the words to the song but I'm going to concentrate on the steps and not to the beat. I know how it ends, I know how to make it easier and better, so in the end I am marvelous.

In other words, I'm taking the steps forward to being happy and move into a state of remember. I am going to remember how I was strong, I was angry, I was sad but I am going to do it from a state of happiness.

In the end, it'll end up like the others. I'll be completely clean on the other side and sated, instead in this state of mind that wishes that I never took that chance and gave a cute boy my number in the computer lab.

Not because I wish I never knew him BUT because I wish I wouldn't be stuck in this state of regret, self-doubt and ugliness.

......

Forget Buddha, My Brother is Better.

My baby brother (he's 22 and I'm 24 1/2) came to visit the family this weekend.
It was incredibly enlightening.
He told me not to worry about things that I can not control, like a stupid driver who can't change lanes correctly.

...in the same way that I shouldn't worry about a overgrown child/jerk who wants the whole truth but doesn't know the first thing about being truthful. 

It was the exact thing that I needed to hear from a person, the type of person that I would listen to and not internally fight with excuses on how I'm right and that person is wrong.

My baby brother is the only person who can give me advice that I will listen to without doubt or worry; always has been and always will. I know that its because of our unspoken bond, we grew up as our own mother and father/ brother and sister, raising each other and giving unsolicited advice when needed.

Did I mention that he's my most favorite person in the whole wide world?!
He's kind of  awesome .

He also thinks I should move out of my city because he finds it ghetto and unsafe.

He says these things because he loves me.

I am also pretty sure that his level of honesty is the standard that I hold all men to. A standard they can not adhere because they are just not that great.


..... sorry.

Switch Sides.

Wanna know who I think has the right idea in the animal kingdom?

The female praying mantis because, you know, she eats the guys head off AFTER she mates with him. You know, purely for fertilization reasons and not because he's an asshole.

Oh well.

I wonder what I'll have to do to become a praying mantis in my next life.

its funny, this feeling i have inside me.

at the moment, im listening to the colbie caillat song "i never told you" i posted in the last blog. its the song that i have chosen, at the moment, to play when im having a difficult time with missing him. i say at the moment because throughout the summer, different songs have conveyed what i was feeling towards him.  first, that all american rejects song "gives you hell," then after a 1am text message it was that lady antebellum song "need you now," finally, before "i never told you" it was eminem & rhiannon's song "love the way you lie." hopefully, with that track list, you can see the emotions i have been swimming through this past month. part angry, bitter, longing,  sad, relieved, etc. im not saying its the entire song that moves me to feel a connection but the hooks and chorus line that will convey what im feeling at the moment. or just moments that i find relevant, ie:

aar: " and truth be told i miss you, and truth be told im lying... when you see my face i hope it gives you hell..."
lady antebellum: "....and i wonder if i ever cross your mind.... its a quarter after one and im all alone and i need you now... i said i wouldn't call but i lost all control..."

(you get the picture right?)

i know, i know. im looking too deep into my emotions to feel for a friendship that ended because of the both of us. i get it, i really do.

but there are times where i wonder if a mistake was made, im just trying to figure out where. i mean, i know that there are actions that i would take back if i could but at the same time i regret nothing. not even the parts that i did wrong or how i reacted to what he did wrong. i just can't help but wonder about this whole situation... different scenarios running circles around my brain, so much so that it hurts. I don't know if i would have wanted it any other way and at the same time, i am actually glad that i can't change a thing.

there are days when i fantasize about drinking at a coffee shop and just talking with him. no cuddling, no kissing, no physical contact, just the calming effects of a good conversation and the feeling of friendship that comes with it. sometimes it helps keep the tears at bay.