again and again

It's back.

I'm sad again.

It's not crippling, as it was before but I'm cranky, non-respondent and weak-feeling. I really could care less about how I am making other people feel right now in my current condition.

My sadness stems from me becoming older and wiser and more alone. So much more alone than I have felt in a really long time. The sadness started as a feeling of disconnection which is the result of change: people graduating and moving, starting new schools, and phasing out of my life.

I hate it but I have to get used to it but I don't know how.

I want to change my life in a positive way and throw away the barriers that are keeping me stationary. I put those barriers up, however, to protect myself from getting hurt from people.

I wish I could say that I have faith that people will change and that I won't be hurt by them but I have been proven wrong many times.

In order to be on the path to change, one will have to have the motivation to change.

....and I'm not motivated to change when the same type of people who have hurt me are still out there.

Grr, maybe I'm over thinking things but


why is it so hard to make new friends?

Banana Bread

Today, I was trying to decide between 2 subjects for my blog, that no one reads except a select few: "Things I believe my generation still does not understand" and "Great time wasters of my generation." Instead, I will write a blog about the college or "on the go" diet.

As a student, I try to make healthy decisions, however, a busy schedule or work, school, social outings, and getting older has taken a toll on my metabolism and diet. Seventy-five percent of the time, I would like to say that I make healthy decisions when it comes to eating meals. I am not a person who likes to make a meal of junk food; however, the temptation is there and for 25% of the time I do fall victim to having to make poor food decisions due to time and money restraints.

For the past year, I have sustained on four types of food: vending machine food, resteraunt food, concession stand food, and home made food.

On average, I usually hit up the vending machine and concession stands the most. While I do try to make healthier decisions on the type of foods I do eat, I stand defeated when realizing that no matter how hard I try I always end up eating unhealthy.

Then factor in the fact that I work in a place that randomly has free food for me to eat (like the homemad banana nut bread a professor brought itn, it quietly sits on my desk, waiting to be eaten by ME) and my ass and stomach are goners. :-(

Or the fact that I have a love of food that takes me to places with buffets, large portion sizes and all the sweet tea I can drink.

In my defense, I eat more ethnic food than fast food (i.e. Indian, Vietnamese, and Greek). I stay away from fast food because, well, I like food enough to NOT subject myself to the cheap/fake stuff.

The above reasons are probably why I have gained about 10 pounds in the past year.

So, I will try to do this: Pack my lunch &snack & dinner every night and make sure to bring it to school with me. Then, if I have to.... make even healthier decisions on the types of food I eat.

This will be hard because I do have to stay on campus longer than I planned for on some events but......
it's what I have to do
if I want to be healthy.

7 Concepts I do not like

There are a few concepts in society that I do not like and make me upset when they are "acted out" in front of my by other people or myself (I am not a perfect person).

1. "Acting girly" "Acting gay" "Acting like a man"- Seriously? You're a woman, if you identify your self as such. You are gay if you identify your self as such. Lastly, you are a man because you identify yourself as such. Who you are genderwise and sexualitywise is not dictated by the actions you do.

2. Food as the enemy.- I think that people have an unhealthy relationship with food and that our society fosters this. Eat in moderation, eat when you're hungry and live a healthy and active lifestyle, countries that live the longest follow these basic rules in life.

3. "Being fat"- I believe that there are women who are meant to be a little more thicker than others and women who are meant to be skinnier than other. I do not feel that one body type is superior than the other, as long as a person is healthy and feels good in their own skin; I do not see a problem!

4. Females showing too much skin- A little skin is sexy, a lot is skanky. I believe that there is a fine line between feeling good about yourself and seeking attention when it comes to how women dress themselves, many straddle this line.

5. Over sexualization- We live in a society that fosters young people having sex with eachother, especially unprotected and as a way to improve their self-esteem. I believe that if we teach young women that they can be accepted *AND* adopt a healthy sexual lifestyle that there would not be as many problems with STDs and unplanned pregnancies.

6. Racial profiling- Seriously? It's 2010, why are people still racially profiling others? I would get into it but I have other things to do. So I will say this:

"An individual has not started living until he can rise above the narrow confines of his individualistic concerns to the broader concerns of all humanity." MLK jr.

7. "If you live in America, speak English"/ USA superiority- I feel as if a lot of people from/in the USA do not have a sense that the world is better and greater than they are, unless they have reason to. This idea was birthed when my step-father said that a co-worker of his has a sticker that said "If you don't speak English, then get the hell out." Why is it okay to have them mentality? If you live in the United States, I would assume that it is a good idea that people learn the language but I feel as if people need to be reminded that there are Americans living in different parts of the world who do not know the language of the country that they live in. Also, these same people need to be reminded that this land was founded by people who did not speak English (Christopher Columbus spoke Italian) or was inhabited by people who had no idea that there was an English language. The only thing I have to say to people with this mentality, "Get over yourself!"

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In other news, here are some items that I do like:

1. This is too cute for words:


2. Finally getting adobe flash working on my computer, I have no idea HOW THIS HAPPEN but I am not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. So...... yippe!

7 Words I do not like

There are words that I hear in everyday language that make me cringe when they reach my ears. I don't like hearing them or using them when I speak and if I do, I am trying to get them out of my everyday speak .

These words are:
1. Faggot and any other variation of this word (not referring to a cigarette)
2. N****r and any other variation of this word. (I don't even like typing it)
3. Retarded (I'm trying to erase this from my speaking dictionary)
4. Titty
5. Pussy ( used to mean weak)
6. Gay (used to mean weak)
7. "weak" (when used to mean 'amused')

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2 true Stories in 1 Night

5:30 P.M. Roommate told this story

A friend of a friend of a friend's ex-boyfriend (really) asked the guy whose bachelor party he was attending, why he was marrying his finance.

The man of the hour's reply? :

"She's hot, she's good in bed and I can't do any better."

 
I was surprised at such a simple, expressive, depressing, upsetting, disgusting, and eye opening statement.

I spend so many of my sleepless nights wondering if I'm going to settle, afraid that I'll truly never real love, the type that we read about in fairy tales and watch in movies. That I forget that there is a slim chance that I can be the type of girl that a man just settles for.

I've met the girl that he was talking about and have talked to her about their wedding and her own prince charming. The girl seemed delighted and swept off her feet; she seemed so happy about the new phase of her life. I never met the man in question but from her account he seemed to be so perfect for her.

So sad.

I wonder if there will ever be a real person I can trust out in the real world.

7:45pm: I accidentally made my friend cry. 

I have a friend who is homosexual, something that does not matter to me but I have learned from him about the inner beauty of people. This teaching does not stem from his sexual orientation but from his inner beauty.

My friend showed me and my roommate the acceptance speech made by the screenwriter of the movie "Milk" at some awards show [edit: The Oscars].

It is highly touching and can be found on youtube here.

I decided to show that friend something I watched in the past, a touching statement made by talk show host Ellen on her show about the killing of a young boy named Larry King. Larry King was a homosexual young man who asked a straight classmate to be his valentine; this classmate then killed Larry.

Ellen's statement can be found here.

Watching the video made my friend upset and come to tears, he kept repeating that he's just a young boy. I only wanted to show my friend that Ellen "hit the mark" in her statement made on that show.

I really did not mean to do that!

8:20pm: Irrelevant but I did get to go out with cousins I haven't seen in a long time. I LOVE THEM! 

"2009 Memorables and Forgetables"**

Everyone is still on a "goodbye to the last year/decade" kick and I can honestly say that I am along for the ride. In my defense, 2010 hasn't started yet, we are just 5 days into yet! Here is a top five list of my most memorable and forgetable moments of 2009.

1. Most memorable Moment 
The Obama Inauguration.
      Apart from the most memorable event in American history, I will have to say that there was nothing more heartfelt and wonderful as when Barack Obama was sworn in as the President of the United States of America. Love Obama or Hate Obama, one has to admit: there was never that much commotion over an election EVER (atleast as long as I can remember). People were actually talking about politics, Michelle Obama's dress or Aretha Franklin's hat and somehow all of this became related to politics. It was glorious.

1. Most Forgetable Moment

John and Kate Divorce

      There is only so much sympathy I can give this couple and their 8 children before wanting to forget that entire family and move on with my own life. I have to admit, I was intrigued. I like children, I like babies, and I like multiples but this family was made a spectacle long before they realized that people were rooting for their downfall. So Kate was controlling and Jon left her for a 23 year old..... what makes people think that their marriage would have lasted long without the television show?

2. Most Memorable Television show

Glee

       I LLOOVVEE Glee! If I could scream it from the rooftops and mountain tops from the top of my lungs I would. It has everything that I could ever love in a television show; quirky and musical. Sigh. Lea Michele rocks, I would write more but my blog is littered with my love for this show!

2. Most Forgetable Television Show

White Collar

      The show had a strong beginning but with each episode the premise became weaker. This is a sad occurrence because the show had so much promise. If anyone hasn't noticed or seen the show, the lead character is highly attractive (& can act), throw in the fact that Tiffany Theissen is acting again and you have a mixture for a excited. Sadly, the show plays on reused story-lines and corny drama.; for instance: The cop as the bad guy? An overplayed scenerio that I caught half way in the season finale. Sigh, I predict an early cancellation date unless the writing improves.

3. Most Memorable Social Networking Site

Facebook

     I feel like I don't have to say anything, you either have it or you don't but unless you are Amish you've heard about it. It beat Myspace out as the procrastinating tool, most of its users have realized this and have moved on to Myspace. Ah, facebook with its ever changing homepage and memos: oh how I love you.

*No picture needed, however, if you forgot or have never seen the website go to facebook.com

3. Most Forgetable Social Networking Site

Myspace

     Myspace lost out because it tried to be too much like facebook without the cool layouts and music. Who knew that most people don't care about all that flashy stuff? Most people still on this site are relics but will soon be persuaded over to facebook because no one "goes on there" anymore or never had an account there in the first place.

*ditto to above, however, this site is still at myspace.com

4. Most Memorable Celebrity Death

Michael Jackson

      I have a problem with people sensationalizing celebrity deaths (there may be a blog on this) but I have got to say, MJ dying was probably the most shocking thing that occurred all summer. Love him or hate him, most of the world knew who he was and had something to say about him, good or bad. His music transitioned through time, he still danced like he was in his 20s, and was found to be not guilty of the crimes he was accused of. MJ led a life that people were confused by, awed by and highly interested in; his life was a constant media spectacle. His funeral was heartbreaking and the speech by his daughter Paris-Katherine moved me to tears. Yes, he was weird but he is a music legend and it was sad to see him go!

4. Most Forgetable Celebrity Death

Farrah Fawcett

    By the time Farrah died she was already out of the spotlight, however, news of her death was overshadowed by the news of Michael. She is added as a "forgetable" because while people knew that she died, she did not have the same 'exit' as MJ. Farrah Fawcett's battle with cancer was handled with poise on her part; Farrah's Story had me in tears! She was more than a Charlie's Angel but it can be said that most people did not know this. She meant a lot to many people and she is an inspiring woman!

5. Most Memorable Religion

Scientology

    No one really understands it but people have heard of it, this religion has been thrust in the mainstream by Tom Cruise and South Park. This religion was founded by a science fiction writer, L. Ron Hubbard. I do not know about it but I will not mock. It seems that as long as it has famous backers, it will appear in the mainstream.

5. Most Forgetable Relgion

Kabalah

    Kabalah is an established religion that has been around longer than Madonna. This fact may not seem important but as you can tell, religion can be seen as a fad. When Madonna started following, many other celebrities were mentioned as following it too. Then when she quieted down, so did they. This is not a coincidence!

* No picture, just information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kabbalah [this is me being lazy, not disrespectful.]

Can Anyone Else Think of Other "Memorable 

or Forgetable" 2009 Moments? ? 

** Title, "2009 Memorables and Forgetables" stolen from The Jay Leno Show (please don't sue me!)

There is only so much I can do.

I really hate getting into fights with my friends, at least the friends I care about.

It leaves me in a terrible crazy funk.

When I am in a funk, I tend to go a little nuts.

I over-eat (which is bad at my mom's house), I over-shop, I'm over angry, I'm lazy, etc, etc.

Overall, I am miserable.

The end.